Disturbingly Low Number Of Rioters Were Law-Abiding Citizens, Says London’s Top Policeman

Acting Commissioner Tim Godwin of the Metropolitan Police today added his voice to concerns expressed by Kenneth Clarke and Boris Johnson about the disturbing proportion of riot-related crimes which turned out to have been committed by criminals.

“I think this is a wake-up call for the criminal justice system,” Mr Godwin told reporters. “In the name of the law, how can it be that only one in five of these criminal acts was perpetrated by fine, morally-upstanding citizens of impeccable character with no previous convictions?”

Reoffend now, you feral hoodie ruffians

Justice Secretary Kenneth Clarke has already gone on record to blame a “broken penal system” – not merely for flagrantly releasing convicted criminals from prison just because their sentences were served, but more fundamentally for commonly failing to execute them at the point of arrest. Boris Johnson swiftly agreed with him - adding that, based on his close observations from Canada, where he was on holiday at the time, he knew for certain that the initial police response to the riots had been flawless in every respect.

Giving his long-range evidence to the Home Affairs Select Committee, London’s clairvoyant mayor went on to say: “We need to ask as a society what is happening to these - these johnny-ne’er-do-wells after they have been jailed. How are we changing their lives so they don't come out again and go back to gangs, eh? Well, call me old-fashioned and what-have-you, but it seems to yours truly that only hanging has a ten-out-of-ten track record in this department, eh, chaps?”

“Or lobotomy!” he expostulated. “Might work. Keep the wet-blanket brigade happy. Why not give it a bash, eh, says old Boris!”