Armchair Anarchists Strangely Reluctant To Challenge Cameron On Somalia

Welcome to the anarchist paradise

As David Cameron threatens to destabilise Somalia - the world’s foremost anarchist state – with an invasion of evil capitalist money, thousands of freethinking Somali pirates and starving villagers have been left mystified and demoralised by the total absence of messages of support in the social media from their crusty allies in the developed world.

“First-world anarchists have been sitting on their backsides for well over a century, telling their friends how all of the world’s problems could be solved at a stroke by the abolition of all bureaucratic structures,” pointed out Looshan Yusuf, a member of a non-hierarchic pirate collective operating out of the free commune of Hafun, as he selflessly redistributed a consignment of grain liberated from the oppressive ownership of Western aid agencies among his gun-toting friends. “Well, only here in Somalia will you find an entire nation functioning in a state of perfect anarchy.”

“I am thinking your idle Western anarchists should eat their dogs on strings and sail over here immediately to demonstrate the strength of their solidarity,” agreed his friend Timiro Asad eagerly, as he oiled the recycled RPG-7 rocket launcher which the collective has deemed appropriate to his needs. “Then we could ransom them in exchange for heavier firepower and plenty of ammunition, which we desperately need to keep our heroic social experiment going.”

“Peace,” he added.

Britain’s MPs Urge Government Not To Send Aid To Countries Which Act Like Britain’s MPs

MPs on parliament’s influential International Affairs Committee today urged David Cameron to consider cutting off aid to foreign governments with a history of behaving like British MPs.

The committee is very concerned about this sort of thing

“In countries where fraud and corruption are as rife as they are within these walls, the Department for International Development will not always be able to mitigate against this adequately,” said Malcolm Bruce, the Lib Dem committee chairman who claimed £3,100 in expenses for ‘working’ from a home which was less than 30 minutes from his taxpayer-funded constituency office.

The moralising report was enthusiastically endorsed by international development secretary Andrew Mitchell - who relieved taxpayers of £19,000 for cleaning, redecorating and refurbishing his home and garden – and will now be passed on for the attention of chancellor George Osborne, who claimed for interest on a £450,000 mortgage for a house he bought for £45,000.

You Wogs Have A Damned Funny Sense Of Priorities, Moans Hague

Tripoli, as it appears to Mr Hague

Foreign secretary William Hague has given Libyan rebel leaders a piece of his mind today, after they obtusely decided that averting a humanitarian disaster among their own people was in some way more important than dragging a comatose cancer victim off his deathbed to spend his last dying days lying unconscious in a Scottish prison.

“No, no, no, you stupid bloody wogs, we don’t want to see pictures of him! We want him in person, dead or alive!” Mr Hague yelled down the phone at the National Transition Council. “Look, if you’re too bone idle to go and fetch the bugger yourselves, just tell us which mud hut he’s hiding in and we’ll send big metal birds over to drop fire eggs on his house, damn you.”

Mr Hague also vented his righteous fury over the ungrateful rebels’ bloody-minded refusal to put the restoration of essential services to Tripoli on hold and to stop searching for 50,000 missing citizens, and urged them to get cracking instead on the more pressing business of handing over a miscreant who, he insists, he has it on good authority - i.e. from a wily old gentleman with his ear to the grapevine - could quite possibly have shot WPC Yvonne Fletcher from inside the Libyan embassy in London 27 years ago.

“Oh, for God’s sake just drop whatever time-wasting arab nonsense you’re up to, you silly camel-fancying layabouts, and just do as you’re bloody told or you'll get my boot up your backsides,” he shouted. “Surely even your dozy eyetie masters taught you to respect white man’s justice?”

“And before you ask: no, I won’t trade either of them for my sister,” he snapped angrily.

Libyan Rebels Say Just A Few More Bullets Will Make The Rain Fall

The sky surely can't take much more of this

The National Transition Council of Libyan rebel leaders claims its plans to restore vital water supplies to the people of Tripoli are close to fruition, with just a few thousand more rounds to be fired into the air before the sky is sufficiently intimidated to release its glorious revolutionary rain onto the city.

“Believe me, we have spent many months planning for Libya’s smooth transition from dictatorship to functioning democracy,” said Mahmoud Madman of the NTC. “Now all we have to do is train up some new doctors and nurses - which will be a lot quicker to accomplish once the few surviving patients do the decent thing, and stop wasting precious time and resources by selfishly clinging on to life - carry on shooting the water out of the clouds, then find the ‘off’ switch for the power station and blow it up, and everything will soon be back to normal. Do you like the suit, by the way? Gieves and Hawkes have done the democratic citizens of Libya a great service.”

“Meanwhile, we hope the West will continue to provide essential humanitarian aid to the people of Libya,” he added, “By blasting everything and everybody in Colonel Gaddafi’s home town of Sirte to dust.”

Overseas Aid Budget Refocused To Help Those Who Help Themselves

Overseas aid must benefit the people of Britain, International Development Secretary Andrew Mitchell told the Royal Self-Preservation Society today.

Disease prevention, announced Mr Mitchell, is top of his wish-list of good-value priorities: “It is a stain on the face of humanity that, even in the 21st century, hard-working British taxpayers are still forced to spend money they can ill afford on numerous jabs before they are able to head for the sun-drenched beaches and beguiling ladyboys of Thailand,” he told his selfish audience. “The sooner we eliminate the threat of diphtheria, typhoid, hepatitis and tetanus from this wonderful holiday destination, the more convenient for all concerned.”

Other top targets for redirected aid include mandatory English lessons for the tragically ignorant people of France, generous subsidies to Australia’s bars and restaurants to guarantee full employment to gap-year students, encouraging the gun-toting police forces of Spain to adopt a policy of greater tolerance towards drink-sodden British tourists and a basic literacy scheme for British Airways’ worldwide army of baggage handlers.

Mr Mitchell also acknowledged that there was much work to be done in the field of defeating anti-British prejudice among America’s online community.

“The government will make it a priority to foster a deeper understanding among our redneck allies of the tininess of the fuck that the average British net-surfer gives about losing the War of Independence,” he promised.

“This is a long-term goal, of course,” he cautioned, “But one that will hopefully benefit generations yet unborn.”

Any Any Any Old Iron

Gordon Brown has gatecrashed a jam-selling fundraising event organised by suburban housewife Carol Ann Duffy to announce that he has bought up the nation's entire scrapyard supply of corrugated iron. He also promised to ship it out to the earthquake-hit island on the next returning banana boat.

"What these desperate, starving people need is something to occupy their minds," declared Mr Brown. "No point dwelling on your misfortunes, as Lord Mandelson keeps telling me, you'll just end up getting yourself down."

All that scrap iron only cost £35,000, and I've got a whopping £19.965m that I haven't spent yet burning a hole in my pocket for a Caribbean version of Scrapheap Challenge," smiled Mr Brown, as angry housewives tried to eject him from the jam sale. "I've got cabinet ministers scouring the scrap dealers of Britain for a van with no roof, a compact engine with lots of bottom-end torque and a dumper truck with a leaky universal joint. That's what the people of Haiti are crying out for. Set them the task of building hurricane-proof shelters out of tin - or better, something completely barmy like a vertical take-off submarine - and watch their little faces light up with glee."

Meanwhile, British Nuclear Fuels Limited pointed out that they have plenty of nice, hot reprocessed nuclear waste available to ship out to the ruined capital, Port-au-Prince.

"I reckon we could clear out Sellafield for, oh, say about £19.965m," said a BNFL spokesman today. "That's just covering our costs, you understand."

Britain To Give Crisp New Fiver to Afghanistan

The British government has pledged a further £5 in aid to Afghanistan, announced the International Development Secretary Douglas Alexander during a flying visit to the country.

Speaking from the safety of an armoured personnel carrier, Mr Alexander said: "This four-year promise to contribute a massive total of £50 to the reconstruction of Afghanistan reaffirms our long-term commitment to helping this once-proud country recover from 30 years of war - including eight years, so far, at war with us."

Major infrastructure projects to be funded by Britain include putting up a signpost outside the British Embassy telling would-be suicide bombers that the US Embassy is 400m up the road, and planting an impressive flower bed outside President Karzai's bunker.

"We wish the people of Afghanistan well for the future and are happy to play a part in their development," continued Mr Alexander, "Just as we have been happy to play our part in reducing them to a lawless, feudal wasteland."

He then closed the hatch and was driven back to his waiting attack helicopter, before flying off to Helmand province to fire some missiles at a shed.

BBC's Cherished Reputation To Remain Untarnished By One-Sided Appeals for Aid

The BBC has banned an appeal for aid for Gaza, claiming it wishes to avoid compromising its immaculate reputation for impartiality.

The appeal comes from the Disasters Emergency Committee, an umbrella organisation representing a number of aid agencies, which says there is "clear evidence" that the British public want to help the stricken victims of the devastating Israeli invasion.

"Our reputation for maintaining a completely unbiased stance is well-known and widely respected throughout the entire BBC," said a spokesman. "Obviously, our fond belief in our own godlike impartiality is far more important than the mere welfare of 1,300,000 Palestinians. However, the BBC will continue to report the humanitarian story in Gaza, which should provide us with plenty of first-rate, award-winning footage of children dying photogenically in the arms of their weeping parents - as long as these bleeding-heart do-gooders don't spoil it by alleviating their camera-friendly suffering."

"Anyway, ITV and all the other channels have banned the appeal too," he added, "So why don't you piss off and pester them instead?"

The BBC is, however, thought to be considering the possibility of allowing the appeal to be shown if the DEC also runs a balancing appeal for aid to Israel, which is said to be desperately short of munitions following its blitzkrieg on Gaza.

"Please give generously," said a visibly-moved Prime Minister Ehud Olmert. "Did you know that a single 1000kg bomb can remove shelter for an entire street of Palestinians? Just one smoke-marker shell, if fired humanely into a UN compound full of refugees, will guarantee years of hospital care for children suffering from horrific phosphorus burns. But our stocks are running low. With your help we can finally bring lasting peace to this troubled land, by eradicating the spectre of Palestinians forever."

US Sends Humanitarian Destroyer to Georgia

The first deliveries of American aid arrived in Georgia yesterday aboard a US Navy guided-missile destroyer, the USS McFaul.

The McFaul’s 31-foot draught was apparently so vast, compared to a cargo vessel, that she was unable to enter the civilian port of Batumi and was unloaded by a floating crane instead.

“Yes, it’s a darned shame we had to unload these essential humanitarian supplies so far away from the eyes of the press,” grinned President George W. Bush. “We just couldn’t get hold of a freighter for love or money. Would you believe it, this week is a religious holiday for sailors all over the world, apparently! Or something. So it’s a good job our destroyers were designed with such large mag- sorry, cargo holds.”

The stencilled crates of humanitarian aid - kindly donated by US companies such as Raytheon, Lockheed Martin, Northrop Grumman, McDonnell Douglas, Standard Missile Company and Extreme Caution NBC Hazard – were enthusiastically unloaded from the crane platform in a remote corner of the harbour by green-uniformed Georgian dock workers, and loaded swiftly but carefully onto a fleet of squat, windowless green vehicles, which drove off rapidly towards South Ossetia and Abkhazia.

Two more US warships are on their way, carrying essential equipment which will be used to help the Georgians deliver aid quickly and with surgical precision where it is most needed. The A-10 ‘Thunderbolt’ cargo plane, for example, carries up to ten tonnes of stand-off humanitarian aid on 11 external hardpoints; while the M1 ‘Abrams’ cargo transporter can traverse the muddiest roads on its tracks, and appears to mount some sort of rotating crane to help with unloading - which can even be carried out at night with pinpoint accuracy, thanks to its state-of-the-art laser-guidance and infra-red vision systems.

“The US is a world leader in the design of humanitarian aid delivery platforms,” boasted President Bush, “And I’d particularly like the Russians to be aware of this.”

Americans Pots Accuse Kettle Mugabe of Manipulating Aid

Robert Mugabe has been accused by US-based Human Rights Watch of using aid as a political weapon in the run-up to Zimbabwe’s presidential run-off election later this month.

"The decision to let people go hungry is yet another attempt to use food as a political tool to intimidate voters ahead of an election," said Tiseke Kasambala, the group’s researcher for Zimbabwe, a day after Mr Mugabe’s government ordered CARE International to suspend its food-distribution operations, accusing it of backing Morgan Tsvangirai’s campaign.

The organisation went on to say that the concept of using aid as a means of forcing compliance was utterly repugnant to Americans, as their government continued to court the fundamentalist Christian vote by funding only those HIV- and AIDS-relief programmes in Africa that promote sexual abstinence until marriage.