‘Can We Make Pre-Emptive Strikes?’ Demand Public, As Ken Clarke Green-Lights Knifing Of Burglars

Your target for tonight, gentlemen

As justice secretary Kenneth Clarke unveiled plans to allow householders to escape prosecution if they stab anyone who breaks into their homes, homeowners asked to know if it wouldn’t simply save time if they invaded Britain’s inner-cities and knifed all the residents in advance.

“Anybody who wears a hood or walks around naked to the waist on a warm day, wears their trousers round their knees, or is as black as a coalman is obviously a ne’er-do-well of the worst sort, and we all know they infest the murky depths of our council estates,” said Rob Blind, a Richmond resident who owns some very expensive consumer electronics to which he is utterly devoted. “I’m sure the neighbours would be happy to join with me in forming a cavalry militia, with a view to riding in one morning at the crack of dawn and putting the lot of them to the sabre. Then we’d be able to sleep soundly in our beds for ever more, and it would save a small fortune in burglar alarms. Yes, I do read the Daily Mail, why do you ask?”

“I reckon I could bolt a few blades to the nearside wheels of my Freelander and drive close to the kerb next to the bus stops,” agreed his next-door neighbour Robert Savage, a chief inspector with the Metropolitan Police. “That’ll mow down all the underage drinkers at night, and the wicked pensioners who head these crime families by day.”

“Double win,” he added.