‘If A Terrorist Owns A Cat It’s Like Diplomatic Immunity,’ Insists Home Secretary, ‘Or Something’

Home secretary Theresa Maybe won a standing ovation today from the Tory faithful, as she warned conference delegates of the horrors of human rights.

“The uvva day, right, sam bladdy terrorist - I ain’t bein’ racist, but less just say ‘e wuz probly reekin’ uv curry know wot I mean – ‘e got nicked dinnee, for mowin’ down a busload uv kids wiv a machine gun or woteva, an’ when we tried to send ‘im ‘ome to whereva the bladdy ‘ell it is ‘e come from, ‘e pulls aht a bladdy cat - an’ blow me dan wiv a fevva, some prat in a wig sez well ‘e carn’t be deported canee cuz uv ‘is cat or summink,” she told her shocked audience.

Probably hidin' a bomb up its jacksy an' all, reckons Mrs May

“I in’t makin’ it up, I tell yer straight. Cross me art, iss Gawd’s own troof innit?” she insisted earnestly. “I ‘eard it off a coppa, an’ ‘e got it straight from one uv ‘is mates. Bladdy immigrant bastuds, ‘oo needs ‘em?”

A spokesman for the Judicial Office later pointed out that Mrs May was, in fact, making it up -or, in legal terminology, loquendo de toto testiculis.

“There was an immigrant who had outstayed his visa. He was Bolivian. He had a partner. He was in a permanent relationship of four years’ standing. He was granted leave to stay because, in trying to deport him, the Home Office had clearly failed to apply its own policy regarding a person’s basic right to a family life,” he sighed. “He did, in passing, mention his cat. That wasn’t actually a factor.”

Mrs May later admitted to the BBC that she had not actually bothered to check her facts before going off on a crazed rant in front of a crowd of impressionable Daily Mail readers.

“I wuz jass tellin’ a stawry, wunn I?” she added. “I dan’t need no facks gittin’ in the way uv a bladdy good yarn. I’m the bladdy ‘ome secketry, nah piss awf befaw I scrap the licence fee.”