The worldwide web is in danger of crashing today, owing to the unprecedented levels of posting, blogging, Tweeting and trolling which have followed the Ministry of Defence announcement that it is closing down its UFO investigations unit and redeploying its bored staff member to duties less detrimental to his CV.
According to the world's estimated 175 million leading self-appointed UFO experts, the unit's closure has already been irrefutably linked to the Tiger Woods crash, the shooting of Guinean military leader Captain Moussa Dadis Camara, a meeting held by the Nepalese cabinet on Mount Everest, the banning of a strange malodorous man from a library in Leicestershire, the recent spate of Virgin broadband outages and the death of Dambusters actor Richard Todd.
"Everything in the entire world is part of a huge alien conspiracy," said veteran troll THEYAreComing - albeit originally in capital letters - in the comments section of a clip of meerkats on YouTube. "The MoD is completely infiltrated by shape-changing lizards of the New World Order, acting on the orders of Hitler's EU. This unit was logging thousands of calls every week reporting incontrovertible UFO sightings. And that's just the ones I was making."
"What really keeps me awake at night - apart from obsessively flaming all the moronic brainwashed sheep who dare to question my brilliantly-reasoned and exhaustively-researched arguments, which are supported by all rational scientific geniuses, not least David Icke - is the knowledge that 'they' know where I live, and I could now disappear at any time," he added. "And I mean permanently, not like when my 75-year-old mother shouts up the stairs to let me know that my eggy soldiers are ready and cut just the way I like them."
A spokesman for the MoD said that, after 60 years of looking in vain for flying saucers, greys, mothership, men in black, ladies in red, death stars, cloaked Klingon birds of prey and occupants of interplanetary most extraordinary craft, the government had decided to reassess its military priorities, culminating in the reassignment of the UFO unit's staff to ironing an unspecified general's medal ribbons.
"Don't listen to that paedo retard," urged THEYAreCOMING. "He just emailed me to beg me for gay sex. And he married his sister."
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