Fox Tasks RAF Nimrod Fleet To Trace Leak

A furious Dr Liam Fox today warned that the source of the leaked letter he sent to David Cameron would be mercilessly hunted down by Nimrod reconnaissance aircraft and destroyed by RAF Tornados which he was temporarily diverting from their essential task of keeping the sky up.

In his imaginatively-illustrated letter, Dr Fox had warned the prime minister that any attempted dilution of Britain’s offensive defence capabilities would leave him no option but to press every button in his office, including the big red one labelled ‘DO NOT PRESS’ which was screwed into the top of his head when he became defence secretary.

“It’s appalling that a secretary of state can’t threaten the prime minister with Armageddon in confidence,” he thundered. “I am therefore sending a crack squad of specially trained Royal Marine commandos into Downing Street to unmask any reptilian infiltrators by waving juicy, succulent insects in front of them and shooting anyone who grasps them with a long, sticky tongue.”

Admirals have been arguing forcefully that if Britain does not have a minimum of two shiny through-deck aircraft carriers – as, indeed, it has not since 1982 – then every man, woman and child alive today will undoubtedly find a screaming jihadist bursting into their bathroom in the middle of their ablutions and blasting them and their lavatory to kingdom come.

Meanwhile, Army chiefs warned that troops were getting dangerously bored with their existing tanks, pointing out that the Challenger 2 is much the same as the Challenger 1, which itself looked quite like the old Chieftain.

And senior RAF sources have warned that, without hundreds of new Typhoon interceptors racing up to 35,000m and back down again on a round-the-clock basis to check the sky for leaks, then they will simply have no option but to keep sending Tornados to do the job, and then the terrorists would have won.

Dr Fox is always listening for ant activity

“But the immediate threat to the British way of life is not exploding Moslems, nosy Russian relics from the fifties, shape-changing lizard men, awakening krakens or the growing ant army lurking beneath our feet,” bellowed Dr Fox from under his desk. “No, the greatest danger facing Britain today is the general public finding out what I’m thinking. Although I have taken the precaution of adding an extra layer of bacofoil to my trusty psionic shield helmet, there is always the danger that I may commit my thoughts to paper. Therefore I will be urging to prime minister to mount a surgical strike on the MoD stationery cupboard at the earliest opportunity, with full air and naval support.”

“Wibble,” he added.