Tuesday, 29 November 2011

USS Enterprise Not To Be Fully Operational Until 23rd Century, Admits Starfleet

USS Enterprise and USS Spare Parts - the two sleek starships currently under construction for Starfleet - will have to wait until the invention of faster-than-light propulsion systems, space weapons systems, force fields, matter transportation and artificial gravity generators before they can be considered fully operational, Starfleet’s Intergalactic Accounts Committee admitted today.

At least they'll be able to watch 200 years of footy in Dolby Surround
Nevertheless, the Federation remains fully committed to completing the two empty shells, training a full complement of crew to shout ‘Bang’ and fall over a lot until futuristic new technologies are discovered which might enable a starship to actually carry out any ongoing missions.

Project manager Captain James T Kirk remains optimistic, however, that the hollow hulks will look sufficiently impressive to deter attacks from any alien heavy metal psychopaths or space whales who might seek to destroy planet Earth.

“We’ve already… fitted the Enterprise with a state-of-the… art plasma TV screen,” he blurted, “And I’ve asked my chief… engineer to… draw up plans to… get us to… the edge of… space - the final frontier - under a great big balloon. Winch me up, Scotty.”

“Ye cannae change the laws of physics,” observed a dour Commander Montgomery Scott.

“Laws of physics,” he added, “Jim.”

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