Sunday 23 August 2009

Military Projects Permanently Years Ahead Of Their Time

Armed Forces Caretaker Bill Rammell has poured cold water on claims that MoD inefficiency in the procurement of new equipment is putting soldiers' lives at risk in Afghanistan, as suggested by a report leaked to the media today.

The top-secret document, written by special advisor Bernard Gray, states that current acquisition projects are £35bn over budget and, on average, five years late.

Mr Rammell, however, defended the department's record by pointing out that military projects were often at the cutting edge of technology.

"There is a maxim in defence procurement which says that by the time the hardware is in production, it's already obsolete," he pointed out as he swept an empty corridor of power. "Obviously we don't want our front-line soldiers facing the enemy with obsolete equipment, so we're constantly investing in things which are still in development. As soon as they get to the pre-production stage, we simply cancel the project and fund the search for its successor - thereby ensuring that we remain one step ahead of the opposition."

Unit commanders in Afghanistan - whose patrols are routinely sent out to tackle the elusive Taliban on horses with Lewis guns balanced on their heads - are, however, reported to be less than pleased by Mr Rammell's explanation, and are still clamouring for better weapons and transport.

"Let me reassure the troops on the ground that we are now actively trialling the latest in military hardware, prior to deployment across the Afghan theatre of operations," said Mr Rammell. "This 'Magic Wand' will make short work of Taleban guerrillas, roadside devices, landmines and suicide bombers, simply by turning them into fluffy bunny-rabbits or fluttering white doves. It will also overcome the shortage of transport helicopters, by granting each individual soldier low-to-medium altitude flight capability. And in the unlikely event of soldiers being wounded or even killed, they can be restored to full health just by a wave of a colleague's wand."

When asked how the trials were proceeding, Mr Rammell said that the exact details were classified, although the MoD had already succeeded in making hundreds of horribly-maimed soldiers magically disappear from public view.

"The war in Afghanistan is winnable," he added. "Let me assure you, when the winner of yesterday's democratic presidential elections is announced, you can be sure that magic will have played a major part in the electoral process."

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