Big Boys Stole My Budget, Claims Naughty Little Schoolboy

Little George Osporge has told a sceptical Treasury Committee that last week’s budget was the most comprehensively leaked in living memory because big boys threatened to give him a Chinese burn unless he handed it over.

“Then the horrid bullies threw my budget into the papers and ran away laughing, miss,” insisted the crimson-faced chancellor of the exchequer, adding that he had been working so hard to get all the answers right that he completely missed Sport Relief Does Glee Club on CBBC. “I swear, miss, that’s what happened. No, I can’t remember any of their faces, miss.”

The chancellor's Treasury Committee performance

The chancellor went on to suggest that he should nevertheless be given full marks for his budget, as he was absolutely sure that he was 100% correct.

When committee members failed to reward his diligence, Osporge Minor went on to offer other perfectly plausible excuses, including “the dog leaked my budget”, “I left my budget on top of the telly, and horrible old Mr Murdoch grabbed it and pulled it through the screen” and “it’s my time of the month”.

The little liar was then given a jolly good thrashing.

Assole Arrest Causes Internet Burst

He's already been put aboard the alien mother ship. FACT

The internet burst today, as all of the available bandwidth in cyberspace was swamped by an unprecedented flood of uninformed yet insightful outrage from the English-speaking world’s army of conspiracy theorists concerning the arrest of Julian Assole, the Wikileaks founder and top nutter-prophet.

Before the internet exploded, all of the world’s free thinkers were united in saying that it is now only a matter of time before their new high priest Mr Assole is dragged to evil Sweden, where it is a foregone conclusion that he will mysteriously die screaming in agony in the cruel ‘blood eagle’ sacrifice ritual whilst helping bloodthirsty police berserkers with their inquiries.

It has also been determined by millions of people who know more than you do that Mr Assole’s bloody carcass will then be flown to Russia, where it will be beaten to an unrecognisable pulp by a crazed Vladimir Putin. It will then travel to Saudi Arabia, where its mangled hands will be chopped off. The remainder will then be shipped to China and shot by dozens of firing squads, and the remaining bits will be gathered up in a binbag for extraordinary rendition to Guantanamo Bay for electrocution.

A few sheep who raised their voices to suggest that perhaps Mr Assole might have perhaps been hoist by his own petard after shamelessly courting publicity to become the instantly-recognisable public face of the Wikileaks organisation were collectively scorned before their pitifully unenlightened comments were finally squeezed out of sides of the cracking internet by the unceasing squeals of the tinfoil hat community.

In the unlikely event that Mr Assole lives, self-appointed experts suggest that he will end his days as a team captain on a weakly satirical news quiz, a tool of the very establishment of which he will unconvincingly claim to be a critic.

“You know - like Ian Hislop,” tweeted several thousand fiercely-independent members of the paranoid hive mind collective. “He went to a public school, you know. They all have lunch together once a week, that lot.”

“FACT,” they chorused.

Happening Of Shit Revealed By Wikileaks

250,000 classified US documents laid bare today by Wikileaks have confirmed to a shocked and disbelieving world that shit does indeed happen.

The stench down here really is appalling

Among the catalogue of shitty happenings, which have confirmed the worst fears of billions around the world whose alimentary canals have no exit, are disturbing indicators that:

• The Chinese government is not a model of probity;
• The Saudi monarchy still does not quite see eye-to-eye with the ayatollahs who overthrew the Iranian monarchy;
• In Russia, kleptomania is not entirely incompatible with a successful career in politics;
• Accounting standards in Afghanistan leave something to be desired;
• Corrupt, power-crazed egomaniac Vladimir Putin gets along famously with corrupt, power-crazed egomaniac Silvio Berlusconi.

Meanwhile, heroic Wikileaks founder Julian Asswipe claims that his website has suddenly come under deliberate and sustained attack from the US government, millions of whose lackeys all around the world are making a concerted effort to crash the site by trying to download and read the documents he has so bravely posted.

Fox Tasks RAF Nimrod Fleet To Trace Leak

A furious Dr Liam Fox today warned that the source of the leaked letter he sent to David Cameron would be mercilessly hunted down by Nimrod reconnaissance aircraft and destroyed by RAF Tornados which he was temporarily diverting from their essential task of keeping the sky up.

In his imaginatively-illustrated letter, Dr Fox had warned the prime minister that any attempted dilution of Britain’s offensive defence capabilities would leave him no option but to press every button in his office, including the big red one labelled ‘DO NOT PRESS’ which was screwed into the top of his head when he became defence secretary.

“It’s appalling that a secretary of state can’t threaten the prime minister with Armageddon in confidence,” he thundered. “I am therefore sending a crack squad of specially trained Royal Marine commandos into Downing Street to unmask any reptilian infiltrators by waving juicy, succulent insects in front of them and shooting anyone who grasps them with a long, sticky tongue.”

Admirals have been arguing forcefully that if Britain does not have a minimum of two shiny through-deck aircraft carriers – as, indeed, it has not since 1982 – then every man, woman and child alive today will undoubtedly find a screaming jihadist bursting into their bathroom in the middle of their ablutions and blasting them and their lavatory to kingdom come.

Meanwhile, Army chiefs warned that troops were getting dangerously bored with their existing tanks, pointing out that the Challenger 2 is much the same as the Challenger 1, which itself looked quite like the old Chieftain.

And senior RAF sources have warned that, without hundreds of new Typhoon interceptors racing up to 35,000m and back down again on a round-the-clock basis to check the sky for leaks, then they will simply have no option but to keep sending Tornados to do the job, and then the terrorists would have won.

Dr Fox is always listening for ant activity

“But the immediate threat to the British way of life is not exploding Moslems, nosy Russian relics from the fifties, shape-changing lizard men, awakening krakens or the growing ant army lurking beneath our feet,” bellowed Dr Fox from under his desk. “No, the greatest danger facing Britain today is the general public finding out what I’m thinking. Although I have taken the precaution of adding an extra layer of bacofoil to my trusty psionic shield helmet, there is always the danger that I may commit my thoughts to paper. Therefore I will be urging to prime minister to mount a surgical strike on the MoD stationery cupboard at the earliest opportunity, with full air and naval support.”

“Wibble,” he added.

Cardassian Government Concerned About Wikileaks Revelations

Following the publication of 90,000 classified records concerning its 50-year occupation of Bajor, the Cardassian government has today issued a sternly-worded statement claiming that Wikileaks’ action threatens to destabilise the entire Alpha Quadrant.

The huge cache of secret documents – simultaneously beamed through subspace to top Federation journalist Jake Sisko, Ambassador Worf of the Klingon Empire and Mr Elim Garak, a Cardassian tailor - reveal shocking evidence that some Bajorans may actually have died under Cardassian rule.

The raw intelligence reports include such disturbing revelations as:

- The Bajorans were not entirely happy about being invaded by their brutal Cardassian dominators;
- The Cardassian military armed some of its troops, and cynically ordered them to shoot back if attacked by Bajoran terrorists;
- Military governor Gul Dukat tried all sorts of ways to find out which Bajorans were hostile to his dictatorial rule;
- Some Bajorans who unfortunately lost their lives in exchanges of fire were not accorded front-page obituaries in every newspaper published in the Cardassian Union.

“Make no mistake, this is political dynamite,” Garak told the Nev Filter today. “And I’ll have those alterations to your trousers ready to collect by tomorrow afternoon. Now, good day to you.”

You Read It Here First

Sensitive government e-mails are tumbling into the blogosphere, according to claims made in the Nev Filter blog, following a red-faced apology from 10 Downing Street after an email from Gordon Brown's former press officer - proposing a slur campaign against senior Conservatives - found its way into the hands of Paul Staines, the writer of the Guido Fawkes political blog.

"I can confirm that the Nev Filter has come into possession of an email circulated by Gordon Brown to Britain's senior police officers," said Nev today. "It suggests that Gordon is more than a little pissed off with the media banging on about the recession day in, day out and drops heavy hints to the effect that, what with the budget coming up in a few weeks and the papers screaming about reducing public expenditure, if they want to hang on to their funding they'd better pull their heads out of their arses and come up with a few major terrorist scares for the front pages, pronto."

"I've also heard that the Daily Fortnight has a copy of a crudely-designed Flash game in which Boris Johnson runs around trying to impregnate every woman he meets, leaving blonde babies littered around the neighbourhood," added the obscure online ranter. "And it seems to have been created by none other than Lord Mandelson."

The online satirist said he also had it on good authority that The Daily Mash blog had got hold of an email from Number Ten containing a digital image of David Cameron, which had been crudely modified in Paint Shop Pro.

"Unless, of course, he normally sports a top hat bearing the message 'Posh twat - kick me hard' as he cycles to the House of Commons," he added.

Traditional journalists are said to be deeply concerned at the emerging trend of sensitive documents being leaked to underground bloggers.

"These people operate on the fringes of the media world, without the financial backing of a large corporate to pay them handsome bonuses for obligingly receiving leaked information from departmental moles," complained one tabloid hack. "I don't like the look of this at all."