Saturday, 20 November 2010

MoD Places £12bn Order For Tinfoil Hats

The XM-32 has been extensively field-tested
Swivel-eyed defence secretary Dr Liam Fox announced today that, in response to PM David Cameron’s instructions to prevent further embarrassing leaks from his department, he has placed an order worth £12bn with British Aerospace to ensure that all members of the armed forces and civil servants at the Ministry of Defence will be issued with a tinfoil hat.

“These BAe hats represent the cutting edge of mind-reading prevention technology,” wrote Dr Fox, in a Most Classified memo to Mr Cameron which he faxed to every newsroom in the country. “I have been wearing one since 1998, following the expert advice of my top military advisor, David Icke, and I can safely say that nobody on or off earth – including myself – has the faintest idea of what goes on inside my head.”

When editors rang the top secret hotline number listed in the memo to query the excessive cost of providing Bacofoil, Dr Fox responded: “All tenders for MoD contracts undergo rigorous scrutiny by leading experts in the fields of dowsing, alien forensics and numerology. BAe beat off highly competitive bids from Raytheon, Thales and Asda, incidentally providing work for up to 100,000 British workers, living and dead.”

“Although Asda provided the lowest competitive tender, at £3.50 per 30m roll,” he explained, “Their bid was automatically disqualified, because they are not on the list of preferred bidders for defence contracts.”

“Between you, me and the gatepost, the real reason for Asda’s exclusion is that their owner, Wal-Mart – the largest corporation in the world – is secretly run by the Illuminati,” he revealed conspiratorially, by flashing the message from a blimp tethered over central London.


Gunthorpe said...

You (and the MOD) have fallen for the Illuminati's biggest lie - that tin and aluminium foil are equivalent.

Tests by the former government research agency, Qinetiq have revealed that to equal the efficacy of a 120 micron layer of tin, you would sheet of aluminium Bacofoil 3.2 miles thick.

This information is only available for paid subscribers and HMG are in arrears.

Nev said...

This wouldn't happen to have anything to do with Qinetiq's huge stockpiles of tin by any chance, would it?