Peter Hitchens Reveals Shocking Leftie Homophobia To Famously Liberal Mail Readers

As a public service to Daily Mail readers who are allergic to the Guardian, fearlessly tolerant columnist Peter Hitchens has kindly taken it upon himself to explain to them that the hypocritical Trots who infest its pages - having utterly failed to find a single legitimate fault with latter-day paragon Dr Liam Fox - were reduced to instigating a despicable campaign of childish innuendo about his sexuality.

“I am no friend of that very epitome of virtue, the saintly Dr Fox,” explained Mr Hitchens. “I know nothing about his exemplary private life, and care less. But I think it is a very dirty business that Bolshevik newspapers – which, it pains me to remind you, insist that a leering queue of screaming poofters forcing their rancid john thomases up our holy bottoms is on some sort of twisted moral par with the prayerful sanctity of propagating the faithful with one’s dear lady wife and chattel – have now sunk so low as to disgrace themselves with this ideologically bankrupt fraudulence, no doubt with the open connivance of that self-confessed communist stooge, David Cameron.”

Peter Hitchens with his favourite writing tool

Warming to his theme, the Mail’s oracle insisted that the Guardian’s despicable black propaganda was so debased that its brainwashed Stalinist minions even crawled into printing presses to insert fake pages - bursting with their filthy lies - into the print runs of the Sun and the Daily Mail, being naturally too ashamed of their baseless slander to even print it in their own sleazy rag.

The foamingly righteous Mr Hitchens was then hosed down and put back in his box by his keeper.

“Thank the good Lord that Peter Hitchens has spared decent folk the indignity of finding out for themselves what the lefties are saying,” sighed Mail editor Peter Dacre in frank admiration. “If the defence secretary was indeed perverting innocent young lambs in his sickening dungeon of forbidden lust, then his sordid affairs should be kept strictly between him and his maker– who, we should all hope and pray, will smite his corrupt penis with red-hot suppurating boils from now until the end of time.”

Ex-Defence Secretary Left In Park Litter Bin

Eagle-eyed reporters who saw Cabinet Office minister Oliver Letwit leaving Downing Street this morning dragging a heavy sack followed him to St James’ Park, where they observed him brazenly dumping ex-defence secretary Dr Liam Fox in a rubbish bin.

“This is a clear breach of Westminster guidelines governing the disposal of sensitive waste,” argued shadow Cabinet Office spokesman Michael Dugher, on seeing photographs of Dr Fox’s legs plainly sticking out of the bin in full public view. “For all we know, Liam Fox could still conceivably contain vital information concerning matters of national security.”

Fox hunting - back on the agenda?

Apologising for his lax behaviour, however, a sheepish Mr Letwit firmly maintained that the old defence secretary could only be of passing interest to students of history, as all important military data had previously been excised by his unofficial advisor before disposal.

“As I was leaving Downing Street I nearly tripped over Liam, who was lying in a sack outside the prime minister’s office, clearly stamped ‘EXPIRED: PLEASE DESTROY’,” he said. “As I was heading for St James’ Park as usual to empty my constituency in-tray, I thought I might as well kill two birds with one stone.”

“I was under the distinct impression that Dr Fox had already been comprehensively shredded,” added Mr Letwit. “It’s just as well he’s no use to anyone.”

Defence Secretary Farce To Transfer To West End

The farcical embarrassment of defence secretary Dr Liam Rix is set for a long run on the West End stage as soon as its Westminster run comes to an end, according to Conservative Party promoters.

The defence secretary hails a taxi

“Every time Liam tries to protest his innocence, his trousers fall down!” guffawed fan David Cameron, with tears in his eyes. “The scene where the chief of staff - Sir Jock Strap, ho ho - catches him on his knees, trousers at half mast, desperately trying to push a sheepdog into an MoD stationery cupboard brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.”

“How I chuckled at Liam’s reddening cheeks, as he struggled to give a straight-laced hotel manager in Dubai a perfectly innocent explanation of why his ‘best man’ was fumbling around in his government-issue y-fronts with a rubber truncheon!” giggled the prime minister at the tribulations of his hapless neo-conservative defence secretary. “And when the police came round to investigate a burglary at his flat, while his long-suffering wife was away, only to discover a naked bloke hiding in a wardrobe - well, I nearly fell out of my chair!”

Ribald critics, however, are suggesting that the farce’s popular run in the papers will undoubtedly end very soon - possibly before the end of the week – to make room for more traditional bedroom hilarity from the acknowledged master of the genre, Boris Johnson.

Fox Scandal Latest

Adam Werritty not advising Liam Fox

Fox Orders Investigation To Tell Him Why He Keeps Inviting His Mate Along To Sensitive Defence Meetings

Swivel-eyed defence secretary Dr Liam Fox has ordered an official investigation to tell him why on earth he keeps inviting the best man at his wedding along to important defence meetings and foreign trips, after it emerged that Adam Werrity-Dodgity – who has no security clearance - has tagged along for 14 top-level meetings at the MoD headquarters and was handing out House of Commons business cards claiming to be Dr Fox’s advisor during his official visit to Sri Lanka.

Mr Werrity-Dodgity has been reluctant to give interviews

By sheer coincidence Mr Werrity-Dodgity - a former flatmate of Dr Fox - also happened to be the sole employee of Atlantic Bridge, a right-wing organisation set up by the defence secretary with Baroness Thatcher as its patron, whose purpose was to foster close links between leading neo-conservatives on both sides of the Atlantic, and which was shut down last month by the Charities Commission following a deeply critical investigation into its activities.

“Right now, I simply haven’t the faintest idea why I keep Mr Werrity-Dodgity closer to me than my own shadow,” explained Dr Fox, sweating heavily. “I am rather hoping that this top-level internal inquiry will come up with something plausible.”

He then terminated the interview somewhat abruptly, pointing to the sky and shouting “look at that interesting thing” before running away and diving head-first into a black Cadillac with darkened windows, which happened to be driving slowly by with its back door open.

Tired Old Spitting Image Jokes Revisited

Dr Liam Fox’s Birthday Party
Fox: What would you like to eat, Dave?
Cameron: I’ll have the steak.
Fox: How would you like it?
Cameron: Lean. (sobs) Very, very lean.
Fox: And what about the vegetables?
Cameron: You and Mrs Thatcher will have the same as me.

Taxpayers Invited To Save Themselves A Few Bob By Declaring Open Season On Libyans

Look, we could replace those bloody great fuel tanks with bombs

As the cost of British involvement in Libyan operations soars to £120m, with the cost of replacing expensive laser-guided munitions estimated at another £140m, swivel-eyed defence secretary Dr Liam Fox tempted hard-pressed taxpayers with the attractive offer of saving a few quid by simply carpet-bombing the population of Tripoli with cheap ordnance.

“Unfortunately, avoiding civilian casualties who aren’t related to Libyan ministers drives up costs - but the spending shows the UK holds the higher moral ground, whatever that’s worth,” he announced brightly. “I know when this little exercise kicked off we told you it would only cost tens of millions, and indeed it is – twenty-six of them, to be precise.”

“But farting around trying to pinpoint genuine military targets is a terrific waste of fuel,” he added. “We could save a small fortune if our brave Tornado flyboys were to simply hang dumb ironmongery off the wings until they creak, then dump the lot in the general vicinity of downtown Tripoli and bugger off straight back to Italy for fresh bombs.”

“Your choice, taxpayers,” he smiled. “How many dead wog kids is the NHS worth?”

Liam Fox Keen To Recruit Psychic Detective For War On Cyber-Crime

Have you remotely viewed this woman? Link minds with the sherriff

As the Liberty County Sherriff’s Office closes in on the radio phone-in caller who wasted their time with a psychic tip-off about bodies hidden in a truck driver’s garden, British defence secretary Dr Liam Fox urged her to forward him her CV at the earliest opportunity.

“Cold, emotionless cyber-criminals who were once human are launching thousands of attacks on the Ministry of Defence even as I speak,” asserted the swivel-eyed defence secretary. “As my urgent calls to Dr Who remain unanswered, I would very much like to meet this gifted woman. There is no doubt in my fevered mind that, equipped with a tinfoil hat of my own design to filter out unwanted psychic noise, she would be able to use her extraordinary powers to locate these relentless cybernetic monsters by focusing on whatever human remnants are encased within their brutal steel exoskeletons.”

Back in Texas, however, a rueful Marshal Sam McCloud warned that, with the benefit of hindsight, simply swallowing the fantastic assertions of a random nutter simply because she could accurately describe a house may not be quite the powerful new weapon in the law enforcement arsenal that the sherriff of Liberty County thought it was.

“Turns out a house is a pretty gosh-darned big item, y’know, an’ kin be seen bah th’naked eye from some ways away,” he admitted ruefully. “When ah asked mah deputies t’describe they neighbours’ houses, each o’them done give a mighty fine description. Either they all psychic too, or danged if it ain’t no big mystic thing at all.”

“Excuse me a while, folks,” he added. “Ah jes’ need to ask mah horse ta picture in his mind’s eye whut this hoaxer lady looks like, then he goin’ lead us straight to her.”

Britain Eyes Up Enormous Nuclear Cock Options

Wahey!

Swivel-eyed defence secretary Dr Liam Fox told Parliament today that Britain will definitely hold onto its enormous nuclear cock, as he proudly ordered some new black nuclear swimming trunks to keep it in.

Labour’s shadow defence secretary, Jim Murphy, applauded Dr Fox’s decision, saying that waving an enormous nuclear cock had been the cornerstone of the nation’s peace and security for fifty years.

"As long as there are other countries with similar capabilities, it is right the UK retains an independent nuclear cock," he told MPs. “Even if we are all on the same side.”

“We will, of course, consider our girly-boy coalition partners’ typically limp-wristed request to look into options that don’t involve a great big nuclear cock,” drooled Dr Fox. “Although, frankly, anything else would just look silly poking out of our glistening nuclear swimming trunks.”

“If Mr Clegg is so keen to strut about bollock naked,” he added, “Perhaps he ought to remember that everybody has been sniggering at the Liberals’ limp elections for decades.”

UN Forces ‘Have No Mandate’ To Topple Kill-Crazy Defence Secretary

Colonel Muammar Gaddafi confirmed today that UN Resolution 1973 makes no provision for the removal by military means of the despicable madman Dr Liam Fox, despite the increasingly bloodthirsty threats made by the hated British defence secretary in recent days.

“Whilst I have every sympathy for the rebels in Britain who are struggling to overthrow their despotic leaders, unfortunately no mandate exists to specifically target this unstable and increasingly isolated madman,” explained Libya’s embattled leader. “That is a sovereign matter which the British people must deal with themselves.”

Every night Dr Fox has the same dream

Earlier, the swivel-eyed Dr Fox had appeared to overstep the mandate of the UN operation, suggesting that RAF Tornado fighter-bombers could be used to assassinate Col. Gaddafi.

“Unfortunately it appears that the idea that came to me whilst playing with my toys in the bath may not be entirely in keeping with international law, dammit,” the defence secretary later told reporters in his tinfoil-lined war bunker. “However, the extremely limited intelligence available to me strongly indicates that Colonel Gaddafi’s khazi is the tactical nerve centre where all his rebel-crushing battle plans are formulated. I have therefore issued orders to Squadron Leader ‘Biggles’ Bigglesworth in Italy, instructing him to bomb up his crate with toilet-busters, potter about in the general vicinity of Tripoli and, if the opportunity arises, follow his nose.”

“If Colonel Gaddafi should have the misfortune to be in residence when his khazi is blasted to kingdom come, that would of course be nothing more than one of the hazards of war,” he added with a smile.

Asked whether Sqn Ldr Bigglesworth was under orders to refrain from releasing his deadly payload if he found the target protected by a human shield, Dr Fox cackled insanely and promised that, to anyone in close proximity to Col. Gaddafi’s bowel movements, being blown to smithereens would be a merciful release.

MoD Places £12bn Order For Tinfoil Hats

The XM-32 has been extensively field-tested

Swivel-eyed defence secretary Dr Liam Fox announced today that, in response to PM David Cameron’s instructions to prevent further embarrassing leaks from his department, he has placed an order worth £12bn with British Aerospace to ensure that all members of the armed forces and civil servants at the Ministry of Defence will be issued with a tinfoil hat.

“These BAe hats represent the cutting edge of mind-reading prevention technology,” wrote Dr Fox, in a Most Classified memo to Mr Cameron which he faxed to every newsroom in the country. “I have been wearing one since 1998, following the expert advice of my top military advisor, David Icke, and I can safely say that nobody on or off earth – including myself – has the faintest idea of what goes on inside my head.”

When editors rang the top secret hotline number listed in the memo to query the excessive cost of providing Bacofoil, Dr Fox responded: “All tenders for MoD contracts undergo rigorous scrutiny by leading experts in the fields of dowsing, alien forensics and numerology. BAe beat off highly competitive bids from Raytheon, Thales and Asda, incidentally providing work for up to 100,000 British workers, living and dead.”

“Although Asda provided the lowest competitive tender, at £3.50 per 30m roll,” he explained, “Their bid was automatically disqualified, because they are not on the list of preferred bidders for defence contracts.”

“Between you, me and the gatepost, the real reason for Asda’s exclusion is that their owner, Wal-Mart – the largest corporation in the world – is secretly run by the Illuminati,” he revealed conspiratorially, by flashing the message from a blimp tethered over central London.

Fox Tasks RAF Nimrod Fleet To Trace Leak

A furious Dr Liam Fox today warned that the source of the leaked letter he sent to David Cameron would be mercilessly hunted down by Nimrod reconnaissance aircraft and destroyed by RAF Tornados which he was temporarily diverting from their essential task of keeping the sky up.

In his imaginatively-illustrated letter, Dr Fox had warned the prime minister that any attempted dilution of Britain’s offensive defence capabilities would leave him no option but to press every button in his office, including the big red one labelled ‘DO NOT PRESS’ which was screwed into the top of his head when he became defence secretary.

“It’s appalling that a secretary of state can’t threaten the prime minister with Armageddon in confidence,” he thundered. “I am therefore sending a crack squad of specially trained Royal Marine commandos into Downing Street to unmask any reptilian infiltrators by waving juicy, succulent insects in front of them and shooting anyone who grasps them with a long, sticky tongue.”

Admirals have been arguing forcefully that if Britain does not have a minimum of two shiny through-deck aircraft carriers – as, indeed, it has not since 1982 – then every man, woman and child alive today will undoubtedly find a screaming jihadist bursting into their bathroom in the middle of their ablutions and blasting them and their lavatory to kingdom come.

Meanwhile, Army chiefs warned that troops were getting dangerously bored with their existing tanks, pointing out that the Challenger 2 is much the same as the Challenger 1, which itself looked quite like the old Chieftain.

And senior RAF sources have warned that, without hundreds of new Typhoon interceptors racing up to 35,000m and back down again on a round-the-clock basis to check the sky for leaks, then they will simply have no option but to keep sending Tornados to do the job, and then the terrorists would have won.

Dr Fox is always listening for ant activity

“But the immediate threat to the British way of life is not exploding Moslems, nosy Russian relics from the fifties, shape-changing lizard men, awakening krakens or the growing ant army lurking beneath our feet,” bellowed Dr Fox from under his desk. “No, the greatest danger facing Britain today is the general public finding out what I’m thinking. Although I have taken the precaution of adding an extra layer of bacofoil to my trusty psionic shield helmet, there is always the danger that I may commit my thoughts to paper. Therefore I will be urging to prime minister to mount a surgical strike on the MoD stationery cupboard at the earliest opportunity, with full air and naval support.”

“Wibble,” he added.

Defence Secretary Declares War On Sun

Whilst delivering a keynote speech in an international conference on the vulnerability of electricity grids to hostile attack and natural disasters, Britain’s swivel-eyed secretary of state for defence, Dr Liam Fox, today seized the opportunity to call for a pan-global alliance to launch an all-out pre-emptive nuclear strike on the sun.

Dr Fox has been out in the sun for some considerable time now

“Make no mistake,” he warned delegates, adjusting his tinfoil hat to deflect deadly UV radiation from his mortal enemy, “According to NASA, in the year 2013 - or possibly earlier – a massive peak in the sun’s magnetic energy cycle and sunspot activity might very well create a solar storm of unprecedented ferocity. The inevitable worldwide geomagnetic storm this would unleash upon a defenceless Earth would undoubtedly knock out electricity grids for hours, days, weeks, months or most likely forever - bringing civilisation as we know it to a crashing halt and hurling the handful of terrified survivors back to the stone age, only to be mercilessly hunted down and eaten by irradiated mutant dinosaurs as tall as skyscrapers.”

“The only way that the people of Earth can save themselves from catastrophe is to lay aside their petty squabbles and unite to launch the world’s entire stock of thermonuclear warheads at our terrible enemy, the sun,” he shrieked, producing a battered Walkman cassette player from his pocket and jabbing at the play button until the batteries fell out. “As I know this idea will sound altogether too fantastic to the narrow minds of disbelievers, I have just set the process in motion by launching Britain’s entire stock of Trident missiles into space. Now you have no choice but to follow suit, or the sun’s vengeful wrath will surely kill us all by teatime!”

“The self-destruct codes have been disabled by my trusty cyber-pet, Aibo,” he bellowed, as his white-coated attendants manhandled him back to the padded ambulance he arrived in, adding, “One day – mark my words – I, Dr Magnafox, will be revered as the visionary saviour of the human race. Incidentally, I have blueprints hidden in a secret compartment in my underpants for a gigantic golden statue of myself which will be visible from space, if a grateful human race wishes to honour me after the hour of destiny has safely passed.”

Britain Invades Cyberspace

Dr Fox looking out for deadly Taleban pixels

A swivel-eyed Dr Liam Fox today announced that Britain was sending troops into virtual reality, on a mission to eradicate the murderous Taleban terrorists lurking within the evil video game Medal of Honor.

“This disgusting game is utterly un-British,” the outraged Dr Fox told reporters as he emerged from a top-level COBRA meeting held in a broom cupboard at the Ministry of Defence. “As of this morning, combat-hardened British soldiers are entering cyberspace through a special light pipe constructed by the Royal Engineers, where they will hunt down and destroy any virtual Taleban units they encounter.”

“We will not flinch from our mission,” he insisted, as he ducked an imaginary flying shoe, “Until the only player-character options remaining to players are either humanitarian American or British peace-keeping forces, who will then be free to blast away merrily at each other in the customary blue-on-blue way.”

The BBC, he fervently claimed, has already sent teams of eager reporters to a special MoD Xbox, from which they will receive daily briefings on the progress of the cyber war from a highly-trained Tier 1 Media Operator.

As yet, there are no casualty reports other than Dr Fox, who was caught in a large butterfly net and led away from the press briefing, foaming at the mouth, by men in white coats.