Sunday, 6 November 2011

Yawning Miliband Emerges From Giant Teapot, Reads Headlines For First Time In Weeks

Do not disturb until April
Labour leader Miliband Two has woken up from a three-week nap inside his favourite teapot and noticed some sort of protest going on, he announced sleepily this morning.

“I don’t know quite what all this fuss is about,” he yawned, rubbing his eyes with his little paws, “Are they upset about the noise from church bells? They wake me up sometimes.”

When informed that the St Paul’s protest had something to do with rising popular anti-capitalism sentiments, Mr Miliband declared that he was sure he was probably on their side before disappearing back inside his teapot to hibernate for the next six months.

Meanwhile, former Lazards Investment Bank chairman Ken Costa, who now promotes the evangelical Alpha Course brainwashing programme, told the Sunday Telegraph that the finance industry had somehow lost sight of the need to do good – which, he insisted, used to be the sole factor motivating investors back in the day when he was running things according to God’s plan.

“I urge everyone in the City to accept Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Saviour,” he suggested. “Go on, give each other a big, loving hug and tell your clients the good news that Jesus will sort it all out.”

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