Deaf Clegg Scorns Marchers’ Lack Of Alternative Suggestions

Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg today scoffed at protesters who will be marching against the coalition government’s austerity measures, demanding to know what policies they would suggest in place of the swingeing cuts and penalisation of the poor, the sick and the disabled which he and prime minister David Cameron are implementing.

Ignoring cries of “Fuck the rich!” he laughingly pointed out that the opposition movement had absolutely no options on offer.

Mr Clegg would really love to hear some fresh ideas

Putting a pair of earbuds in, Mr Clegg reiterated his point that there was no alternative to the coalition’s wholesale axing of public services. As shouts of “Fuck the rich!” reverberated again around Westminster, he calmly placed a large pair of ear defenders on his head and challenged anybody to suggest a different policy.

As repeated chants of “Fuck the rich!” rose in volume, the LibDem leader calmly picked up a jackhammer and began to bounce around Westminster Green, pointing out that he would gladly back any workable alternative to destroying the infrastructure of the nation and making the lives of millions intolerable, if only the protesters could suggest a viable and fair policy that penalised those who had caused the crisis in the first place.

As passing motorists enthusiastically took up the call to fuck the rich, a blissfully oblivious Mr Clegg bounced straight into the path of an oncoming bus and was swiftly carried off to hospital, where expert medical staff say they will work round-the-clock to shout “Fuck the rich!” into his ear, in the faint hope that his comatose conscience might one day wake up.