We Are Going To Tear Your Face Off, Warn Police

Fire up the Quattro

The Metropolitan police today issued a “robust” warning to the people of London, promising that anybody found out of doors and not wearing red, white and blue and a beatific expression on Friday will have their face torn off.

“Just don’t, OK?” advised Commissioner Sir Kim Jong-Stephenson, as he showed the press the brutal spinning flail that will be attached to all police vehicles in time for the royal wedding. “I won’t tell you again.”

With a chilling bellow of rage, Mr Jong-Stephenson then pushed a Fortnum & Mason protester into the vicious flail. The results were too horrifying to describe; suffice to say that one of the force’s dogs will certainly be enjoying a nice big bowl of mincemeat for dinner tonight.

“Traditionally, a royal wedding is always the occasion for a spontaneous public outpouring of joyful national pride,” he added with a snarl. “Keep it that way, or else.”