Paint A Tippex Willy On Your Debit Card, Urge Assange Cultists

The Man simply has no answer to this

'Ridiculous’ - the online worshippers of Leakiwiks hero Julian Assange - are extending their protest methods further into the analogue realm, calling on millions of Christmas shoppers to tippex a crudely-drawn dripping penis onto their debit and credit cards in a mass show of support for their outspoken paragon of virtue.

The group, which started its protest with denial-of-service attacks on PayPal, Visa, Mastercard, Amazon, Google, iTunes, YouTube, comparethemeerkat.com and XHamster, has recently spread its tactics beyond the virtual world and into the physical domain. Earlier this week, members stepped up the campaign by scanning their buttocks and sending the images to their targets’ fax machines.

“Earlier today, a nerdy man came up to the till with the latest edition of PC Gamer and a Lion Bar,” confirmed a manager at the Queensway branch of WH Smith in Stevenage. “Without any warning, he suddenly whipped out a debit card bearing a rather distasteful depiction of a john thomas and thrust it into the reader. Sue, who served him, thinks it was a Nationwide card, but she’s still in shock.”

“Before this happened, like many of my friends and colleagues I just thought this Assange character was completely up himself, really,” he reflected soberly. “But now this principled show of public solidarity has made me realise that he is, in fact, all that stands between us and the hegemony of the New World Order.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I must just pop over to the stationery section and keep a stick of Tippex back for myself before we run out,” he added. “I’ll be popping into Burger King on the way home, and I need to make my voice heard.”