As an expected 100,000 people converge on London for the TUC’s march against spending cuts, the Metropolitan Police promised that they had taken on board criticism from parliament’s Joint Human Rights Committee over the controversial ‘kettling’ tactic, and would be deploying an imaginative new crowd management system instead.
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“The force fully appreciates the MPs’ well-meaning but typically wet concerns that kettling a large mass of lawful protesters for hours in a confined space inevitably leads to heightened stress, agitation and anger, which greatly increases the likelihood of violent behaviour,” said Commissioner Sir Kim Jong-Stephenson at this morning’s press briefing. “In fact, many of my lads look forward to letting off steam in this way. But since it looks like we’ve been rumbled, let me take this opportunity to assure the House that, as part of our policy of constantly reviewing dodgy procedures, we shall not be deploying this unpopular tactic against the marchers today.”
“However, lest 100,000 rabid trots get it into their heads that we’re somehow going to stand idly by and let the revolution kick off with a chirpy ‘Mind how you go now, sir’, perhaps I ought to point out that our Tactical Development Unit, DCI Strangelove, has devised a top-secret new tactic – codenamed ‘Boiling’ – which they’re not going to like any better,” he smiled grimly.
When asked for details of the mystery tactic, the commissioner repeatedly replied with an enigmatic, “No comment.” After several minutes, however, he finally dropped a hint to reporters, pointing out the one important question that really mattered.
“Will it hurt?” he said. “Yes, a lot. Now bugger off, before I detain you all for unlawful assembly.”
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