Cameron Sees ‘No Evidence’ Of Hague Eating Baby

The PM didn't see it, therefore it didn't happen

A defiant David Cameron told an angry House of Commons today that he had seen “no evidence” of foreign secretary William Hague devouring a baby alive as he arrived five minutes early for this morning’s cabinet meeting.

“After an unfortunate encounter with the door frame, I stepped into the cabinet room to be met by a respectful silence from my colleagues,” declared the prime minister, waving his white stick at what he thought to be the opposition benches.

“My radiantly attractive home secretary, young Mrs May, told me not to worry if I thought I could smell blood, as Mr Osborne was having one of his nosebleeds again," he added. "Then Mr Hague belched in his typically forthright, northern way, which rather broke the ice, and we got down to discussing the issues facing mauve people in Britain today.”

Mr Cameron also denied that Britain was in recession, saying that he had never seen so many busy shops in Britain’s high streets, before walking out of the chamber with his head held high and into the broom cupboard.