Sunday 31 July 2011

Labour Still Under Misapprehension That Better-Off Would Actually Set Foot Inside NHS Hospitals

Not if my bloody life depended on it, say Tory voters
Despite decades of private healthcare take-up by everyone who has the wherewithal to put a price on their health, the Labour Party today angrily accused the government of transferring funds to NHS trusts in Tory-supporting parts of the country - at the expense of its own voters in the provincial urban warzones.

"A responsible government, which cared about health and equalities, that cared about the health of the poor, would not be taking money away from inner-city areas full of uncritical lifelong Labour supporters,” said shadow health minister Diane Abbott, adding: “This isn’t about politics.”

“What on earth makes you think we’re spending more on the NHS in Conservative strongholds, you silly woman?” retorted health secretary Angela Lansbury. “That would be like the Queen taking the burnt-out shell of car out of a scrapyard, giving it a quick coat of whitewash and setting it up on bricks in front of Buckingham Palace, wouldn’t it?”

Voters in the Tory heartlands were equally dismissive of the Labour claims.

“I’d welcome the government putting more cash into the Royal Surrey,” commented futures trader Rob Blind of Guildford, as he booked himself in for mole removal at the private Nuffield cosmetic surgery clinic on the same site as the NHS county hospital. “As long as they spend it on screening the bloody thing with poplars, so I don’t have to look at hordes of diseased paupers wheeling their drips around as they hunt for somewhere to have a fag.”

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