Republicans Consider Parachuting Credible Candidate Into Convention, Possibly Jeb Bush

As realisation slowly dawns on the Republican party that all of their presidential candidates are drooling idiots, plans are hastily being drawn up to write off the billions spent on their caucus campaigns and leave it to the party convention in August to select a credible new candidate whose impressive stature will lead the wider American public to desert Barack Obama in droves. George W Bush’s brother Jeb has been mentioned.

This is what Republicans call 'a statesman'

“The Republican core constituency loves a traditional Old-Testament tub-thumper with foam flying from his mouth,” explained former GOP chairman Haley Barbour. “Problem is, Americans who don’t marry their cousins shit themselves dry at the prospect of some Jesus freak, who knows for a fact that Satan has a factory in hell churning out dinosaur bones, drumming his fingers on the nuclear button every morning and asking himself whether this is the day God wants him to declare Armageddon open for business.”

Meanwhile the corporate interests which have been bankrolling the current presidential candidates from state to state are understood to be willing to write off their huge capital investments to date, rationalising that the Republicans “will owe them big time” when it comes to throwing out every bill President Obama puts before Congress.

“Oh please, Bre’r Barbour, doan t’row dat prickly ol’ Jeb Bush ‘cross de ribber at poor li’l me,” pleaded the Democrat incumbent, rolling his eyes and collapsing in fits of laughter.