Government Limits MPs To Two Rioters Per House

The government has announced that, regardless of the number of home improvements they would like done free of charge at the taxpayers’ expense, MPs will still only be allocated a maximum of two convicted rioters per household.

“This is sanctimonious penny-pinching at its worst,” spluttered backbencher Richard Graft. “Jacqui Smith only wanted a bit of painting in one measly room, and she got two offenders. I need my entire Westminster pied-a-terre rewired for 7:1 Dolby Surround in every room, including the balcony overlooking the Thames – now it’s going to take bloody weeks.”

How about a new constituency office?

PM David Cameron, however, insisted that there was a limited number of rioters, but many of them were receiving long sentences which would simply not be fulfilled by fixing up every MP’s wish list in the short term.

“What I would ask every parliamentarian to do is to search his or her heart for long-term projects which will be of lasting value to the entire community,” he said, “MPs should consider connecting their mansions and their constituency offices with an underground railway, or artfully concealing an Olympic-sized swimming pool beneath a colossal ha-ha. These tasks will take two members of the criminal underclass years to complete.”