Get Your Sorry Black Ass Over Here, FIFA Tells Mandela

A grieving Nelson Mandela has been told by Sepp Blatter to stop his pathetic sobbing over the death of his great granddaughter - who died in a car crash on the way home from a pre-tournament concert - and drag his sorry black ass over to tonight’s World Cup final match between Spain and the Netherlands, or else.

“Now look here, kaffer, you’ve already used that feeble excuse to bunk off the opening ceremony,” said the FIFA president. “In case you hadn’t noticed, we own your toytown country for the duration of the championship – and that includes you, fuzzy. If this stiff is so goddamned important to you, you can bloody well drag it along with you tonight, do you hear me?”

“I’ll just tell you this once, you good-for-nothing layabout,” he raged. “If you’re not on that pitch, dancing your little rainbow socks off with tonight’s winners, we’ll be demanding full payment of the $600m your piss-ant little tribe’s had from the sweat of our labours, in addition to the tax-free $1bn we’ve made ourselves. Do I make myself clear?”

“And bloody get there on time, too, boy,” added the white football master. “I’m not going to be fobbed off with some old crap about the dog eating you, or white boys shoving you around on the way to the stadium. If that happens, I shall have to beat you, you understand? I want to see you wearing one of those multicoloured ethnic shirts, by the way, not dressed up in black. I hate black.”

The beautiful game kicks off at 7.30pm.