Gay Footy Fans Thank Blatter For Timely Advice

This could be interesting

FIFA president Sepp Blatter was thanked today by millions of gay fans all over the world who were planning to go to Qatar for the World Cup after he advised them to write a little reminder in their 2022 diaries to weld themselves into chastity belts for the duration of the tournament, unless perhaps they happened to have a masochistic streak coupled with a strong penchant for deferred gratification.

“My attention has just been drawn to some slightly less-than-liberal views apparently held by the Qataris on matters of homosexuality,” Mr Blatter told a press conference in Durban. “Unlike most Middle Eastern states, which generally turn a blind eye as far as this particular piece of Sharia law is concerned, unfortunately it seems that just being seen holding hands with another man in Qatar might get you a public flogging and ten years in a hell-hole prison. So I should imagine you really wouldn’t want to be found up his bottom.”

“But hey, let’s try a little optimism!” he added cheerfully. “After all, for all we know the Qataris might very well change their minds, embrace their brothers and transform their Islamic emirate into a secular, open-minded republic at any time in the next twelve years. Only the most cynical pessimist could possibly say it couldn’t happen.”

“Here at FIFA we are fully committed to promoting fairness and equality, which can be a difficult balancing act at times,” he stressed. “On the one hand we have to take the terrible consequences of ignorance and bigotry into account, whilst on the other hand we have several large bags filled with money going into our Swiss bank accounts.”

Mr Blatter apologised for bringing the briefing to an early close, as he had a meeting with one or two black players who were apparently a bit bothered about something or other to do with Russia.