War With FIFA!

At 11 o’clock this morning prime minister David Cameron solemnly told the people of Britain that he had issued a warning to FIFA’s president, Sepp Blatter, demanding that he withdraw his ban on England players wearing poppies, but that the deadline had now expired and a state of war now existed between Britain and football’s governing body.

Massed ranks of football fans are being mobilised, he added, to seize and occupy key strategic football pitches which have been identified as vital to FIFA’s ability to wage football.

Remember the fallen

“FIFA’s unprovoked attack on the defenceless poppy demonstrates a callous contempt for the loss of millions of lives,” Mr Cameron told a cheering parliament. “We shall fight on the coaches, we shall fight on the playing fields, we shall fight in the streets. We shall never surrender.”

“Let us therefore brace ourselves to our foreigner-kicking duties,” he continued, to a standing ovation and rousing cheers from MPs of all parties, “And so bear ourselves that if British football and its players’ wealth last for a thousand years, fans will still say: this was their finest hour.”

“Here we go, here we go, here we go again,” reflected sombre battle-scarred veterans of the Moan To End All Moans, which their generation fought over Britain’s historic right to host the World Cup.