England's world cup qualifier against Ukraine will be broadcast exclusively over the internet, it was announced today - prompting howls of anguish from football fans as it was patiently explained to them that just because they can play FIFA 10 on their second-hand PS2, it does not necessarily mean it is capable of downloading Saturday's live video stream of the match from service provider Perform.
"Paruntly right I got 'ave samfink corled a camputa innit?" said one baffled England supporter. "Me missus sez she got one at work like, but they'll be shut wunt they 'cos iss Satdee jenotameen? Praps if she arskt all nice like an' givd 'er boss a quick flash uv 'er baps, joo fink ee'd let 'er borra it?"
More enterprising fans are already out casing middle-class residential areas looking for suitable homes to burgle, but admit they have no idea how to plug a PC into the telly or tune it into the internet.
Meanwhile, harassed pub managers are struggling desperately to connect the knackered beige Tiny on which they do their accounts to their massive plasma screens.
"Where the fack's the VGA socket on a Panasonic Viera TX-P42V10 telly?" wailed one cable-festooned landlord. "I wonder if I kin git an artside caterin' licence for Currys' frant windah?"
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