England World Cup Team Dedicate Predictably Ignominious Defeat To Troops In Afghanistan

With a touching lack of irony, the England squad has responded to messages of support from serving UK troops by affirming that our brave boys’ and girls’ ongoing effort in Afghanistan is inspiring them to struggle against insuperable odds towards inevitable defeat and a humiliating withdrawal.

“Although I am unable at this time to offer a firm timescale, I am confident that Wayne Rooney and the others - whose names escape me - will at some point in the not-too-distant future be making a low-key return to Britain with their tails between their legs,” promised Fabio Capello. “When that happens, be sure that I will do my best to assure you that something worthwhile was achieved.”