The unprecedented seismic event began at 15:23 BST, just after striker Jermain Defoe remembered the point of playing football and managed to put a ball in a net. The sozzled island nation reacted by lurching free from the European continental shelf – creating a kilometre-high tsumani in the process, which is expected to cause unimaginable devastation along the New England coastline around 23:00 Eastern Daylight Time – and staggering into the North Atlantic, colliding with Portugal and knocking it loose from Spain, before running past the west coast of Ireland shouting gibberish.
In a geological singularity which seismologists will be puzzling over for years to come, England then grasped Cornwall and Kent and pulled them up over Cumbria and Northumberland. It then charged blindly into Norway - where it was violently sick - before trying unsuccessfully to barge past Denmark into the Baltic Sea.
After spending several unconvincing minutes embarrassing itself by repeatedly insisting that Germany was its best mate in the world ever, England then tripped over Scotland and briefly knocked itself senseless against Belgium. When it came to, it called France a wanker several times before wandering off aimlessly in the general direction of Greenland.
“Unfortunately England has a tendency to drink to excess at the best of times, and this is exacerbated whenever a millionaire kicks a ball,” said a spokesman for the International Maritime Organisation. “Fortunately we anticipated this situation, and all shipping has been rerouted into the Mediterranean for the next 24 hours - by which time England will probably be feeling like shit, having woken up late for work and covered in piss.”
The EU is convening a special meeting later, in which mainland Europe’s heads of state will eagerly scrutinise the Maastricht Treaty to see if England’s antics provide a convenient excuse for kicking it out.
1 comment:
England beat Slovakia (who?). Let's all have a Big Party.
I would suggest that reading a little Epictetus would be a better recreation, but I suppose a 2000 year old dead Greek, teaching people how not to be Wankers, and not whine like a cuckolded Meterosexual when one's letter to the Guardian isn't published, could not compete with the next EuroSquillions draw.
Please turn-off you comment moderation. I want to demonstrate to the world that I can swear as no other man.
And I can do it in foreign languages. And with neologisms too.
My German coinages are quite good, but my Dutch, superlative.
If swearing is the mark of a Nation, then don't fuck with the Dutch. The coffer shops are obviously just baited traps, awaiting the day when Queen Beertricks orders De Reiniging.
It is no coincidence they share the Colour with the LibDems and the Ulster Unionists.
My poesklappen are trembling with fear.
We are the Dead.
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