No Bad Blood Towards Euro-Referendum Bastards, Hisses Cameron

Mr Cameron insists he and the rebels share common ground

Speaking through worn-down teeth, prime minister David Cameron said there was “no bad blood” towards the 81 rebellious members of his own party who last night stuck two fingers up at his three-line whip over calls for a referendum on Europe, although he did not rule out emptying a bucket of steaming offal over their heads as soon as the media’s attention is seized by the next bright shiny thing.

“There's no bad blood, no rancour, no bitterness,” he seethed. “These disloyal, backstabbing shits are valued Conservative colleagues. Fuck my luck.”

Leading cabinet Eurohater Michael Gove’s big wobbly head, meanwhile, filled the nation’s TV screens to crow: “It’s not a humiliation. Except to our lame duck of a prime minister, of course, who must surely be wondering whether the time has finally come to spend more time with his inheritance and hand over the reins to a statesman with the guts, and perhaps the big brainy head, needed to tell Hitler’s Fourth Reich what’s what.”