‘I Have Breasts And Am Therefore Beyond Criticism’ Declares Guardian’s New Columnist

A fuming Louise Schmuck emerged today from the Guardian offices on Farringdon Road, where she has just been signed up to pen daily blasts against the monstruous regiment of men, to declare herself off limits to any form of criticism on the unarguable grounds that “abuse directed at women is always sexual or violent.”

Producing an onion from her sensible corduroy handbag, a sobbing Ms Schmuck revealed that, tragically, not quite everyone in the country had showered her with gratitude for her stirring defence of her sister’s publisher, the legendary feminist Rupert Murdoch - whose Sun newspaper has, for forty years, bravely run an outspoken campaign against the sexual objectification of womyn by allowing them to air their considered opinions on topics of national importance, along with their breasts.

Oh no! It's Millie Tant!

Ms Schmuck also railed against the book trade which, she insists, has brutally gang-raped the literary studies which she writes under the name of Louise Bogbrush - collectively, a throbbing social critique of devastatingly attractive, successful career womyn’s doomed efforts to acquire a tame penis that lives up to their expectations - by deliberately marginalizing them as ‘chick-lit’.

“Anybody who has a difference of opinion about anything I do or say is a serial murderer,” she asserted furiously, bearing down on a surprised traffic warden. “You there! Yes, you - police flunky! Arrest everyone in Britain immediately.”