Internet Says ‘Put Your Hands On Your Head’

This is the internet, and that's you

Reports are coming in that an estimated 20% of the world’s population are sitting in front of a computer right now with their hands on their heads, patiently awaiting further instructions.

The news comes hard on the heels of this morning’s mass evacuation of Rome, following the internet’s straight-faced announcement that it had suddenly remembered that a little-known seismologist who died 30 years ago confounded all known geoscience by working out that a devastating earthquake would topple the Italian capital to dust today “per deffo”.

“Up to now I’ve limited myself to teasing conspiracy theorists, it’s so easy and they never cotton on,” laughed the internet later. “But I’m beginning to realise just how much fun I can have if I really pull out all the stops. OK, the Italians are natural suckers – let’s face it, most of them take it as read that an old Nazi has God’s private phone number and Silvio Berlusconi is a statesman – but I reckon the rest of the world might just be as gullible. For instance, everybody on Facebook seems to think that clicking a few petitions will really put the world to rights. Ha! And I didn’t even start that one.”

The internet apparently convinced people to put their hands on their heads by various means, telling some it would empower manky slappers in some unspecified manner, while others were encouraged to think they were sending some sort of gay solidarity message to the Ugandan government.

“I’m not going to rush things,” said the internet with a smile. “I think something really embarrassing involving webcams might be the way to go. Until then, let’s see how long it takes your arms to go numb, shall we?”

Nick Clegg, meanwhile, has announced that he has grave misgivings.

Pope Asks Italians To Show Tolerance To North African Refugees

"Don't let's be beastly to the Libyans..."

Berlusconi Fails To Run Trains To France On Time

Italy’s trains are experiencing some unfortunate timetable issues, admitted comedy dictator Silvio Berlusconi, after France delayed ten trains at the border because North African migrants - granted temporary residence permits by his government - assumed for some reason that, as legal EU residents, they had the right to travel within the EU.

France's railways have dealt with undesirables before

Italy’s ambassador in Paris lodged a voluble protest at France’s unilateral hold-ups - only to come up against a brick wall of Gallic shrugs from Nicolas Sarkozy.

“It may be that this is not covered by the Schengen border code rules,” commented EU home affairs commissioner Cecilia Maelstrom. “But it would seem that they had the right to do this. Excuse me, is this fence occupied?”

French officials insisted that they had no problem with any destitute North African refugees entering the country, as long as they brought along several thousand euros to live on.

“Although if zey air wearing ze burqa, zey are needing also a couple of hundred euros a day to pay ze fines, isn’t it?” laughed one border guard, as he hectored another hapless refugee. “Your papers, pliss?”

Italy Returns To Dark Days of Political Violence, But On A Small Scale

Tensions are running high in Italy, one day after prime minister Silvio Berlusconi was assaulted with a plaster miniature of Milan Cathedral, as all sides rush to arm themselves with a variety of authentically-detailed models.

Opposition parties are said to have stockpiles of die-cast cars and poseable action figures at the ready, while Italy's armed forces are frantically assembling Airfix kits of tanks, fighter-bombers and warships to defend the state against anarchy. Meanwhile, the Pope has appealed for calm, offering to withdraw all stocks of plaster cathedrals and saints until peace is restored.

Mr Berlusconi - who is no stranger to receiving stunning blows from beautifully-proportioned models - remains in hospital under observation, with a broken nose, two smashed teeth, a severely bruised ego, and a massive dent in his pride.

"We are fighting a losing battle to save Mr Berlusconi's lost face," admitted a haggard newsreader from one of the six major TV networks owned or controlled by the media mogul-turned-politician.

Milanese police sources say that the assailant, Massimo Tartaglia, has a ten-year history of mental illness which - according to a spokesman, Ispettore Superiore Selvaggio - may shortly be coming to an end, although they will not know for sure until he has been scraped off the walls of his cell.

As the world took stock of the latest development in Italian politics, British PM Gordon Brown was the first leader to offer Mr Berlusconi his support.

"I urge Mr Berlusconi and all Western heads of state to join me in my war on the mentally ill, which I declared a year ago by scrapping Incapacity Benefit," he told reporters this morning.

Meanwhile, back in Italy, many fear a return to the political violence which blighted the Southern European nation for decades - even if it is on a small scale, like 1/72nd or N gauge.

"I will dread hearing the terrible crack of a firework, and opening my door to see a scene of finely-detailed carnage on my doorstep, with a shattered Scalextric car surrounded by the dismembered limbs of Action Man, Rorschach from Watchmen or Barbie and Ken," squealed hysterical Milanese resident Giuseppe Pasquale this afternoon. "I am ready to flee at a moment's notice - thanks to this agile, robust little radio-controlled dune buggy I bought this morning."

One in 20 Italians Living in Poverty, Funding One Italian and One German Living In Luxury

Five per cent of Italy's population are living in absolute poverty, unable to afford even a basic basket of goods required for a minimum standard of living, according to figures published today by the country's national statistics agency.

Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy hoovering up Italy's remaining wealth to pay for a hovering palace made entirely out of diamonds, staffed by thousands of nubile teenagers with big knockers. A spokesman said that Mr Berlusconi was thinking of importing several wagonloads of the finest seashells to distribute to his poverty-stricken plebeians as currency.

However, Pope Benedict XVI did take time out from eating his sumptuous breakfast off a platter of purest Inca gold in the luxurious heart of his personal city-state to deliver a message to his faithful flock.

"There is no shame in poverty," said the 83-year-old pontiff. "Our Lord Himself went around in rags, sitting on his ass. So that's all right then."

"I don't like this old Tintoretto you've brought for me to wipe my hands on this morning," he told one of his attendant Cardinals. "Go back down to the vaults and bring me one of those paintings with tits."

"Please help yourself to my last few coins, Holy Father, so the church can do even more good works," implored a smelly southern peasant at the window, before being kicked out of St Peter's Basilica by a jackbooted Monsignor.

'If You Don't Let Me Win I'm Taking My Shiny Red Cars Home', Threatens Italian Baby

A pair of shiny red Scalextric cars were found in lying in the street today by a small child, little Bernie Ecclestone. The expensive toys, handmade in Italy, are believed to have been thrown out of a matching red pram.

"I saw these nice toy cars in the gutter," said little Bernie, "And I thought what a shame it was to see them all covered in poo. So I picked them up in my hanky, put them under the garden tap and showed them to my big friend Blue Max. He's almost grown up, and he knows lots and lots of things he doesn't tell anyone."

Max dismissed the toys as a pair of decorative-but-useless Ferrari F60s, and thought they may have been thrown out of the pram during one of baby Luca di Montezemolo's frequent temper tantrums.

The cherubic purple-faced infant was unavailable for comment, as he is obstinately holding his breath until proposed rules changes are dropped from next year's Scalextric season - barring him from spending most of Italy's GDP in a futile attempt to develop a toy car that can win races without Michael Schumacher picking it up and putting it back on the track when it flies off at every corner.

"Scalextric is shiny red cars, and shiny red cars are Scalextric," yelled little Bernie excitedly - but his stern-faced friend disagreed, saying: "Scalextric can survive without shiny red cars."

Bright young Bernie then suggested that maybe the rules could be changed, allowing little Luca to spend as much as he likes - but ensuring a level playing field by allowing an adorable ginger kitten to swipe cars randomly off the circuit.

Bermussoconi Preoccupied With Women Hotter Than Me, Claims Droopy Wife

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Bermussoconi's milf, Veronica, is filing for divorce - according to La Stampa Collector's Weekly, the only media source in Italy not owned by Mr Bermussoconi.

Mrs Bermussoconi, 52, is apparently furious that her billionaire husband personally selected his People of Freedom Party's all-female list of Euro-election candidates from the ranks of television presenters and former actresses, largely on the basis of cup size - a selection process that Veronica, a former actress, describes as "shamelessly trashy."

This is not the first time the crooked-tycoon-turned-crooked-politician's domestic arguments have spilled over into the public arena. Mrs Bermussoconi wrote a stinging letter to a newspaper two years ago, accusing her husband of flirting with starlets at a party - for which he later made a grovelling public apology, after pulling up his trousers.

Mrs Bermussoconi is also said to be upset that her 72-year-old husband attended the 18th birthday of a political ally's well-stacked daughter, yet failed to turn up to his own children's coming-of-age parties, presumably in deference to Italy's incest laws.

Meanwhile, an editorial in Il Giornale - owned, coincidentally, by Mr Bermussoconi's brother - accused the philandering Prime Minister's estranged milf of harming not only him, but the entire government of Italy with her sagging breasts, crow's feet and fake hair colouring.

Pope Sends Oil to Earthquake Survivors

His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI has sent an Easter gift of sacred oil to the devastated archdiocese of l'Aquila, the Vatican reported today.

The spirits of the 28,000 homeless survivors shivering in flimsy tents were briefly lifted when an 18-wheeled papal tanker rumbled into the ruined city. Faces fell, however, when Archbishop Giuseppe Molinari ceremonially pumped the single litre of holy oil into a gold bucket and regretfully explained that each tent would only receive 0.15 of a cubic centimetre, enough to burn for approximately four seconds.

"We nearly lynched Berlusconi the other day, when he had the bare-faced cheek to come here and compare the destruction of everything we own in the world to going on a camping trip," said one shocked victim. "But when it comes to taking the piss, the Pope's fatuous gesture has really raised the bar."

"I can understand why the Pope may be reluctant to get up off his bony arse and minister to his traumatised children, stuck in squalid tent cities a mere hour's drive from his enormous palace," commented one haggard rescue worker. "If he was soaked in his stupid oil, tied to a stake and lit, he could provide enough heat for several hundred people for an entire evening."

"And char-grilled pontiff would make a pleasant change from emergency rations for a lucky few," he added.

"Happy Easter, everybody," said the Pope.