Cameron Finds Last Thing Britain Does Well, Unveils Plan To Ruin It

After an exhaustive search, prime minister David Cameron has finally identified the only thing Britain is still any good at, and announced government plans to fuck it up beyond all recognition.

Speaking at Pinewood Studios, the incensed PM told reporters: “Do you realise that, every single day, irresponsible bastards are blowing taxpayers’ hard-earned cash on making thought-provoking films of quality and depth for that tiny minority who can still think? What a pointless waste. We need to be giving that money to the Hollywood studios who deign to make their mass-market blockbusters here instead because, my goodness, all those big explosions don’t come cheap.”

This, but in colour, is all the gritty realism you need

“I was particularly incensed to think that the Film Council might have thrown your money at that ‘Four Lions’ rubbish, an offensive piece of blatant al-Qaeda propaganda which glorifies terrorism,” raged Mr Cameron. “It didn’t, as it happens - but that’s not the point. It might have, if it felt like it.”

“And, with the government as executive producer leaning over his shoulder, there’s no reason why Mike Leigh can’t apply his talents to a big-budget gorefest remake of Fiend Without A Face, in which the brains and spinal columns are ripped out of manky Northerners by a mad scientist’s experiments, leaving them to flop down contentedly in front of Coronation Street for the rest of their lives,” he added. “That’s the sort of cinematic inspiration you crave, isn’t it?”