Britain To Reinforce Falklands Garrison With Diane Abbott

They can shoot it down, but it just keeps going

As Argentina angrily rebuffs David Cameron’s accusations of colonialism, the prime minister today announced that a fearsome task force consisting of Labour MP Diane Abbott had been put aboard a rowing boat in Portsmouth and, even as he spoke, was being pushed down the slipway in the general direction of the Falkland Islands.

“Let no one be in any doubt about our commitment to the Falklands,” he warned, as a cheering member of the Abbott family lined the dockside to wave off the Hero of Hackney North. “I guarantee that these islands will remain British to the core, until the day the oil under the South Atlantic goes barmy and asks for a Mickey Mouse banana-republic passport.”

Admiring armchair warriors say Ms Abbott is trained to spring into action without thinking and, on arrival in Stanley Harbour, will instantly tweet a deadly-inaccurate barrage of flaming flak against any real or imagined dago sabre-rattling.

“Keeping this white colony in what’s left of the British Empire is a key part of Britain’s strategy to divide colonialist Argentina and rule the waves,” declared Ms Abbott patriotically, bailing furiously as the tide swept her majestically past the Solent Marina.