Tree-Hugging Lesbians Made Me Tarmac The Countryside, Insists Cameron

Sandal-wearing lesbian whale-fanciers from Greenpeace told David Cameron the only way to safeguard the environment is to place it all in the gentle hands of the construction industry, insisted the prime minister today, so the nice men in hard hats can seal it for ever under a protective coat of hard core and asphalt and charge you a hefty Save The Planet Tax for the privilege of taking your evil car out of your drive.

Welcome to England's grey unpleasant land

“If you cast your minds back to when we won the election outright two years ago, I warned you that we would be the greenest government ever,” observed Mr Cameron. “Well, I had a couple of things to crack on with first, such as my longstanding commitment to play basketball with President Obama, but you must have known I’d get round to saving the planet sooner or later.”

“Here’s the deal,” he continued. “I hand Britain’s remaining green bits over to my environmentalist chums at Amey, and they preserve them under ten inches of tarmac. This will be paid for by the money we’ll save on maintenance by letting the existing motorways fall apart; they’ll soon be glorious nature reserves for Britain’s threatened weeds. In future, as soon as my yellow-jacketed friends see a traffic jam forming, they will quickly paint in an new motorway, set up a tent to sell tickets and bob’s your uncle, that’s another endangered butterfly saved from extinction.”

“My panda-friendly advisors tell me this’ll work beautifully for airports, too,” he smiled. “But remember: every time you raise an objection, a beautiful smiley dolphin dies.”