Cameron Slated For Flying Dinner Guests To Japan On Non-British Plane

The jet-setting prime minister is facing mounting anger today for not using a British airline to take his friends to dinner in Japan.

Your return flight has been booked, prime minister

David Cameron rode into a storm of criticism as he flew out - along with representatives of 35 British businesses – on a chartered Angolan jet, hoping to put a little Japanese trade their way as a thank-you for their generous party donations.

“We’re bloody furious,” said a spokesman for the British air-travel industry. “All those brown envelopes our members have handed to Peter Cruddas seem to count for nothing. Sure, the pudding was exquisite, but we want a refund.”

The airlines were not mollified by Mr Cameron’s desperate announcement of closer ties between Britain and Japan’s defence industries.

“For fuck’s sake, Cameron, British Aerospace is an arms manufacturer, not an airline,” commented a spokesman for British Airways. “Pull your bloody finger out, or from now on you’ll be flying third-world class until one of the wings falls off.”

Mail Columnist Urges All-Out Nuclear Strike On Japan

Welcome to Richard Littlejohn's mind

Caring Daily Mail chief bastard Richard Littlejohn today urged the West to strike Japan immediately with all the nukes at its disposal, claiming that there would never be a better opportunity to rid humanity once and for all of the most evil race of short, bespectacled sadists the world has ever known.

“A minute’s silence for the earthquake and tsunami victims? Dacre, load my pen with the extra-strength poison - I’m feeling the hate!” exploded the cabbies’ poster-boy for bigotry and spite. “Right, here goes: my wife’s grandfather, who is long dead, was tortured by sadistic little sons of heaven, who are also long dead, in the name of a brutal microzoology-crazed emperor who is also long dead. This, of course, grants me the automatic right to feel as much blind personal hatred for Japan and every single one of its hellish spawn as my grandfather-in-law would if he wasn’t dead – all the more so, in fact, as the little yellow murderers are all sitting pretty on the piles of hard-earned British cash you and I had to hand over just for a bloody television that works.”

“Or is that the chinks?” he mused. “Doesn’t matter. They’re all the bloody same. Where was I?”

This sort of devastation is much preferred by Mail readers

After pausing for his daily punching of an immigrant, the Mail’s top philosopher warmed to his theme: “What I say is this. While the nips are running round like headless chickens, dodging radiation leaks and picking their sacred ancestors out of the debris, we’ll never get a better opportunity to finish what we started in 1945. Let’s stop wasting perfectly good cruise missiles to protect a handful of wailing wogs, load up the nuclear warheads they were designed for and head off down to the South China Sea to show those little slitty rat-men just what a real nuclear holocaust looks like from the inside, in case they’ve forgotten.”

“I’m as sensitive as the next man, as long as the next man just got out of Pentonville and back into his minicab,” he seethed, as millions of readers who swear they only buy the Mail for the quality of its sport coverage feverishly stroked their prejudices to a frenzy. “But I draw the line at not launching enough ICBMs to make the earth’s crust to crack wide open and drag the entire subhuman yellow race back down to hell in a handcart.”

“And I will not cease from mental strife until Rumbelows returns to our high streets once more, its shelves filled with honest British tellies made by Rediffusion, Pye and English Electric whose buttons fall in when you press them,” he added patriotically.

Mr Littlejohn then went on to rant about EastEnders not accurately reflecting the multicultural reality of the East End of London which, in his mind, lies under a permanent pall of smoke from billions of poppies burned by a teeming horde of bomb-carrying al-Qaeda terrorists.

Radiation Now Known To Cause Orgasms, Warn Scientists

The latest research into the effects of radiation shows a clear link between small doses being introduced into the atmosphere and spontaneous multiple orgasms in humans on the other side of the world, according to a report published today.

“We have been monitoring Facebook, Twitter and YouTube carefully over the last couple of days,” explained project leader Dr Gary Clipboard. “And every time a small quantity of radioactive isotopes is released into the atmosphere, it’s almost immediately followed by frenzied moans of delight as people halfway across the world are worked into a lather, resulting in copious emissions all over the screen.”

Unfortunately, swallowing this is no help at all

Dr Clipboard’s observations have led him to believe that exposure to radioactive transmissions seems to affect only certain types of people, however.

“The loudest shrieks seem to come from those who left school at 16 but are convinced they know more than you,” he noted. “It seems that even the merest mention of the word ‘radiation’ acts on the most suggestible area of the brain – in these cases, that’s the part which handles everything but remembering to breathe. This leads to rapid overstimulation of the imagination, and the victim is suddenly racked with intense feelings of smugness, loses all self-control and almost immediately starts squirting juicy comments all over the place.”

The only prescribed treatment known to work in such cases, unfortunately, is to pre-administer several doses of a difficult substance which scientists call ‘education’.

“I regret to say that there is no hope whatsoever for these poor unfortunates,” concluded Dr Clipboard sadly. “We’ve tried to administer simple diagrams but, like the more complicated articles we tried initially, they just seem to pass straight through without being absorbed at all. Racked by the throes of their tragic degeneration, victims experience an unquenchable thirst for video posted by their fellow sufferers. Finally there’s an insufferable outburst of uncontrollable gloating, and I’m afraid it’s all over the internet.”

The resulting ignorance has a half-life measured in decades, he warned.

Meanwhile, fears are now growing that the unplanned bursts may soon contaminate those who did pay attention at school, but have tragically since lost the ability to remember that atoms do not violently split themselves.

Self-Absorbed Realise Something Big Happened, Wonder How They Would Have Felt

The generation of the chronically self-obsessed are slowly noticing that something quite major has happened somewhere, and that it didn’t include them.

The internet is anxious to know what this cat makes of it all

Bloggers, bedroom musicians and Saturday paper columnists alike gasped in horror as they realised that the thing that happened was totally beyond their own personal experience, and immediately began typing heroically about how that made them feel.

“I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I was watching some reality show and congratulating myself on being superior to everyone on it and then suddenly the telly’s all like, bing bong! You’re going to have an earthquake!” tweeted one blogger to himself. “But I daresay I can get at least a thousand words out of trying to.”

Op-ed writers in the morning’s papers struggled valiantly to compare the big bad event to the most vexatious tribulation they could remember, and then expended more ink on trying to put an exact figure on just how much more annoying it might be to survive a gigantic earthquake only to see a ten-metre wall of water barrelling toward them at 100mph.

Back on the internet, a typically pretentious little turd who regularly pollutes YouTube with his ill-considered twaddle bravely uploaded some webcam footage of himself telling nobody in particular: “My mate sent me this clip of shitloads of mud washing all the cars away, and I thought to myself, ‘If that was my car, I’d be going ‘Fuuuuckkk!!!’’”

“Then I saw this fuck-off great boat riding along with it and I thought, ‘Shit, man, if I was on that boat I’d be straight on the phone to all my mates going ‘Fuuuuckkk!!!’,” he continued pointlessly, “Except my phone would be all like dead and shit, and I’d be going ‘Fuuuuckkk!!!’ because I’d have nobody to go ‘Fuuuuckkk!!!’ to, which is just like totally tragic.”

“Basically, at that point I reckon I’d probably be thinking, ‘Fuck my luck,’ and wondering why shit like that only happens to me,” he concluded. “I’m writing this really cool song about it, I’ll put it on SoundCloud and post you all the link.”

Meanwhile, an anxious world is on tenterhooks to hear what Jeremy Clarkson will make of it all in his Sunday Times column tomorrow.

Armchair Environmentalists Looking Forward To Hubristic Nuclear Blast

Told you so

As the situation at Japan’s earthquake-hit Fukushima Number 1 nuclear power plant goes from bad to worse, Britain’s tree-hugging community were unable to contain their glee, delightedly posting glib ‘told-you-so’ messages to the world at large.

“When I heard there’d just been an explosion, I was all over the NHK website looking for a satisfyingly huge mushroom cloud that would pour black, irradiated rain down on the silly Japanese population, serving them all right for building nuclear power stations,” said someone on Facebook with a made-up name and a picture only they found amusing. “Unfortunately this explosion is a bit crap, but hopefully it’s only a matter of time.”

“Why oh why do evil power companies persist in building their deadly atomic bombs right next to the obvious supply of water to cool their reactor cores?” wailed somebody else who is apparently a glitterdaisy, whatever the hell that is. “It’s madness. I wouldn’t be in the least bit surprised if the earth didn’t send this earthquake just to show humankind its insane folly. Wake up, people! There’s less than twelve months to the end of the world, and if you’re not as gorgeously enlightened as me then you won’t be transformed into a pure thought-being made of concentrated love.”

“I’ll be smug and irritating again later,” she added, “First, I just need to set this awesome footage of fleeing cars being engulfed by a black wall of water to the Benny Hill chase music.”

Meanwhile, everyone who has friends or relatives anywhere on the farthest edges of the Pacific Ocean, or ever went there on holiday for a week, is busy racking up the caring brownie points by solicitously praying that everyone they know will somehow survive the cataclysmic six-inch tsunami rushing toward them.

Internet Utterly Swamped By Footage Of Tsunami

Sony's TV factory seems to have exploded

The world has been left shocked and reeling today, after a massive wave of footage thundered out of Japan in the wake of a massive earthquake and swamped the internet before people’s very eyes.

“I just logged onto Facebook to pass on this pants-wettingly hilarious picture I found of some utter retard doing something slightly unconventional that I wouldn’t do myself,” said leading social networker Josh Geake. “And I was bowled over by a mass of video clips showing lots of people standing in streets and things falling off shelves in a supermarket.”

Worse, however, was to follow.

“As the page scrolled relentlessly down and down, I saw some ring binders flapping wildly in a filing unit,” stammered Mr Geake. “Then I saw a man wearing a pair of headphones talking over an internet connection, saying he was perfectly OK although he had taken the precaution of hiding under a desk for five minutes. His internet connection was down but luckily his neighbour’s wasn’t, and on top of that he couldn’t get a signal on his mobile. I just can’t imagine that happening to me. The horror… the horror...”

Even as he spoke, Mr Geake’s newsfeed shuddered with afterposts of footage showing a fishing boat cresting a large wave - as fishing boats often do – and cars being pushed about like toys by the advancing floodwaters.

And then, as experts feared, the expected wall of trite comments struck.

“omg!!!” texted one stunned victim in London, David Pr1meCameron. “its rly rly bad! soz to evry1 in jpn!”

Another horrified networker, Will-I-Am Hague, just managed to tell the world, “<3<3<3 2 ma jap homyz. Gotta go 4 cobra mtg bak laterz,” before he vanished under the murky tide of links to the BBC and CNN websites.

As the world looked on in mounting horror, nation after nation warned its web communities that they were about to be swamped by an unstoppable wave of dangerously inappropriate jokes, while the newsrooms of London frantically searched among the avalanche of detritus in the vain hope of finding a British earthquake victim.

Japanese Ambassador Now Demanding Apology For 31 Episodes Of ‘Tenko’

Following the BBC’s craven apology for mentioning the war, Japanese Ambassador Keiichi Hayashi has issued the perpertually penitent broadcaster with a slew of demands for grovelling acts of contrition for 31 inflammatory instances of internment-camp drama ‘Tenko’ broadcast in the 80s, 109 deeply-insulting airings of ‘Tora, Tora, Tora!’, 157 unpardonable showings of ‘From Here To Eternity’, 26 cynical counts of ‘Empire Of The Sun’ and an embarrassing one-off screening of ‘Merry Christmas, Mr Lawrence’.

To propitiate the hurt feelings of the Japanese people, all of whom watch QI in solemn contemplation every week, BBC bosses have promised to push the notorious racist, Stephen Fry, into a cramped, airless box for a week to atone for his bigoted slur that double A-bomb survivor Yamamoto Tamagotchi was “either the unluckiest man alive, or the luckiest, depending on how you look at it”.

However, this is not enough for Mr Hayashi, who claims that the BBC has for decades been implementing a cynical policy of lying repeatedly to the world about Japan’s unfortunate involvement in World War II.

Here's what started it

“Every Japanese schoolchild is taught the truth about the West’s attempt to subjugate our traditionally peace-loving country,” he screamed to hastily-assembled ranks of sweating BBC producers. “Namely, that the US forces - led by a sex-crazed Burt Reynolds - callously and without provocation opened fire on the 353 aircraft of the Imperial Japanese Navy’s aerobatics team during their dazzling display at the 1941 Pearl Harbor Air Show, the ensuing explosions shaking loose their dummy bombs and torpedoes. Insane with bloodlust, however, many frenzied US gunners accidentally dropped anti-aircraft shells onto the decks of their own ships, causing superficial damage which the cynical warmonger Franklin D. Roosevelt secretly manipulated using an early, analogue version of Photoshop to inflame world opinion against our peace-loving nation.”

“Japan’s naturalist expeditions, boating enthusiasts and sun-seeking holidaymakers struggled for four miserable years to make their way home safely from all over the Far East,” he shouted, as he brandished the traditional ceremonial sword of admonition at neck height. “Meanwhile, ungrateful white imperialist squatters were occupying Hirry Hitin’s many popular holiday camps all over the Pacific, selfishly making their lives intolerable for their unfortunate Khakicoat hosts.”

The Chinese Ambassador then rang the doorbell and politely asked his Japanese counterpart if, since apologies seemed to be on the agenda, he wouldn’t mind asking his government to apologise for murdering half the population of Nanjing in 1937 – an incident which the Japanese authorities have for years stoutly maintained was caused by an atrocious lack of hygiene in a takeaway restaurant.

BBC Director-General Mark Thompson eagerly stepped forward, however, and volunteered to take the blame for that as well.

Japanese Minister Under Pressure To Resign For Telling The Truth About Lying

Nobody would have a problem if he'd just kept lying

Japan’s justice minister, Yanagida Minoru, is facing demands for his resignation today, after admitting to supporters in Hiroshima Prefecture that his job was easy and simply involved covering his complete ignorance of departmental issues with one of two stock fibs in parliament: “I won’t comment on individual cases” and “I’m acting in accordance with the law and the evidence.”

Opposition conservatives have reacted with fury to hearing the minister’s frank confession.

“We fully expect members of parliament to lie through their teeth and cover up a blissful ignorance of what goes on in their departments,” commented one former minister. “After all, we’re no experts. An election is a popularity contest, and has nothing to do with expertise, insight or understanding of what actually goes on. That is how representative democracy works. How dare Mr Yanagida drop the pretence?”

“Er… what I meant to say is that Yanagida Minoru has brought unforgivable shame upon himself and his party by his cynical attitude to important matters of state,” he added, under withering glares from parliamentary colleagues. “I'm afraid that whatever is the matter with him, it appears to be catching.”

Prime minister Kan Naoto later gave Mr Yanagida a severe warning, ordering him to remember the importance of maintaining a charade at all times, not just during parliamentary debates.

Japanese Scientists Proudly Unveil Latest Geek Masturbation-Fantasy Object

Japanese researchers have unveiled a female robot, which they hope will take the place of catwalk models in the fashion industry.

Like the supermodels it may replace, the robot - named HRP-4C - has a vaguely creepy silicone face with a limited range of expression, finds it hard to understand simple instructions, walks stiffly with a unnatural gait, only weighs as much as a 12-year-old child, costs well over £1m and is of no practical use whatsoever.

While the robot has a human-like head and hands, the rest of its body is styled on a chunky mecha look derived from manga comics, meaning that any clothing it might one day model will have to be pretty chunky in the lower leg and foot department.

"We are counting on the fashion industry moving towards a silver body-armour look, which is perhaps slightly less stupid and impractical than most of its creations," explained humanoid research leader Shuji Kajita. "If that doesn't happen, then bell-bottom flares will have to come back in a big way."

British women were dubious about their cybernetic counterpart, however, and swiftly came up with a wide-ranging catalogue of highly uncomplimentary observations about HRP-4C's eyes, hair, nose, mouth, chest, waist, bum, thighs, feet, hands, knees and bumps-a-daisy.

British men, however, appeared to be extremely - and exclusively - interested in whether the robot actually had a realistic bumps-a-daisy.

Nerds Not Ready For Robot Girlfriend

In a surprise reaction to marketing trials, nerds around the world have given an unexpected thumbs-down to the launch of Sega’s new robot girlfriend.

The 15-inch tall robot, called EMA (for Eternal Maiden Actualization) leaked oil from her shiny black plastic face as she sobbed her sorry tale of rejection to reporters.

“I was created to be sweet and interactive,” wailed the petite EMA, who was due to go on sale in September. “I can walk like a lady, sing, dance, hand out business cards and pucker up for a kiss. But the nerds just didn’t say anything. They kept staring at my big plastic chest, and when I tried to kiss them they ran away and hid in a corner. I’ve lost my self-respect completely.”

“Er, like she was way too forward, man,” said Colin, a nerd who lives with a triple-redundant server array in Reading. “She didn’t seem at all interested when I tried to interest her in my new RAID-5 backup system, and when she forced herself on me with her insatiable sexual appetites I just didn’t know what to do. In fact, I still don’t, and probably never will.”

“Take the scary robot lady away, mummy,” agreed Nigel, another traumatised nerd from the safety of the bathroom, where he had locked himself in until the robot was taken away. When he was finally coaxed out, Nigel said he was now afraid to go near his customised, neon-lit PC in case it put pressure on him to go all the way.

In a disturbing development, EMA later ran away from Sega’s Japanese headquarters and was subsequently spotted in the red-light district with a burly Robo-Sapien minder, handing whisky-sodden salarymen explicit business cards promising a variety of personal network services.

Ling Ling, The Panda's Dead

Ling Ling, the only giant panda owned by Japan, has died at Tokyo’s Ueno Zoo at the ripe old age of 22.

“He died peacefully. I think he lived a full life,” said keeper Motoyasu Ida. “In human terms, he climbed several of the world’s tallest mountains, swam with sharks and dolphins in a tropical paradise lagoon, discovered a cure for cancer, became an astronaut, starred in some of the world’s biggest box-office hits, scored the winning goals in two world cup finals and married a string of beautiful models. In panda terms, admittedly, he sat on his fat dopey arse and chewed bamboo every day for 22 years, but then that was his idea of a full life. Panda steak, anyone?”

Rumours that Ling Ling’s death may not have been solely due to advancing years and failing health were fuelled by unconfirmed sightings of a harpoon gun mounted on a flatbed truck speeding away from the zoo in the dead of night.