The implosion of the Daily Mail today - after its discovery that hated EU laws could save the proudly British disgrace of binge drinking from its beloved Tories’ unpardonable pettiness – has summoned into existence a deadly singularity which threatens to suck all rational thought out of existence, astronomers confirmed today.
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| The last known photo of Mr Dacre, with a Daily Mail reporter |
“Our instruments recorded a brief but massive burst of noise from Paul Dacre’s office,” explained NASA’s Dr Randy von Braun. “That in itself isn’t unusual, but this time it was abruptly cut off before it could resolve itself into the usual expletive-laden tirade against the hapless hacks trapped in his orbit. When our colleagues at Greenwich Observatory pointed their telescopes at Kensington, they saw a terrible, lightless void from which nothing can escape – Northcliffe House, the home of Associated Newspapers.”
“The worrying thing, though, is that it seems to be expanding,” he added ominously.
Scientists suspect the implosion began when Mr Dacre saw “BAN ON CHEAP DRINKS BREAKS EU LAW” filling the front page of today’s Daily Mail. Dangerously unstable for aeons, the editor-in-chief proved unable to withstand the conflicting forces of law and order, snobbery, blind nationalism and xenophobic bigotry which, without warning, the headline suddenly unleashed inside his head.
The still-expanding event horizon has already engulfed the whole of Middle England, where millions of minds have already been sucked into oblivion by the awful rift in the very fabric of normality.
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