Immigration figures released today show that, despite its promises, the government is still not managing to turn foreigners away by successfully convincing them that Britain is an absolute shithole of a country that will relentlessly suck all the hope and meaning out of their lives forever.
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“Despite worldwide coverage of our pathetic underclass, whose only idea of political engagement is half-inching a pair of Reeboks from JJB Sports; despite the fact that what passes for commerce consists solely of selling shoddy, overpriced crap to underpaid people who sell more shoddy, overpriced crap back to us; despite the fact that nobody can afford a train ticket, let alone a roof over their heads; despite the horrors of what we laughingly refer to as a National Health Service; despite the fact that we can’t even grunt our own language; all this clearly indicates that the United Kingdom is the ante-room to Hell, yet we just can’t seem to get the message across to these people that they’re better off turning tail at customs and scarpering for home as fast as their legs can carry them,” admitted secretary of state for immigration Damien Green. “Even if that took them back to a refugee camp, at least they’d have some hope that their lot might eventually improve one day. You don’t get that here.”
“But England is the best place in the world for cricket,” said a poor deluded Lithuanian at Gatwick as he stepped off the plane. “That surely proves that this is still the promised land of village greens, tea tents and larks singing gaily in the meadows, does it not?”
“I make excellent tea,” he added, tragically, as immigration officials led him into a TV lounge showing the Jeremy Kyle Show on a continuous loop.
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