Internet Troll Forced Me To Make A Tidy Sum From TV Documentary, Sobs Media Has-Been

Unlike you, Richard Bacon is too sexy for his shirt

A washed-up nobody from the depths of BBC purgatory, Radio 5 Live, broke down in tears today as he told reporters that years of receiving vindictive internet abuse had brought him to the point of making several grand from a documentary about his traumatic experiences - which, by pure coincidence, airs this evening on the TV purgatory, BBC Three.

Poor little Richard Bacon - whom older readers may remember as the Blue Peter presenter who got himself sacked for being caught with his head buried in a bag of nose candy – wept openly as he revealed that, tragically, somebody somewhere doesn’t like him.

“If someone as utterly bloody gorgeous as me can be disliked,” wailed Bacon, “I wondered what kind of internet hell lies in store every day for ordinary little dull people who are too ugly to work in the media? And I realised there could be a profitable hour of sympathetic nodding to camera in this.”

Bacon went on to warn that, in the insane world of the internet, repulsive dullards like you are given an opportunity to actually say what you think to lovely people like him.