String Research Escapes Funding Axe

Announcing cuts of 41% in scientific research funding – in addition to the 10% cut already announced in October’s Budget speech – science minister David Willetts confidently predicted that the UK would still maintain its position as a world leader in discovering new uses and applications for string.

Brunel would be proud

“String is now found in leading research laboratories all over the country,” he boasted. “These massive cutbacks in funding for buildings, maintenance and equipment will ensure that string will be used in ways never imagined in its inventors’ wildest dreams.”

“There’s a particle accelerator in Cheshire which is entirely held together with garden twine, and this is completely unique in the world,” he claimed. “And nuclear physicists at Imperial College’s Ascot site are making steady progress in their efforts to fish spent fuel rods out of their CONSORT reactor using parcel string and a piece of Blu-tack.”

“Meanwhile, Cambridge University is conducting important genetic research by trying to encode the human genome onto a length of baling twine,” he went on. “Over at Brunel, teams of PhD Engineering students are endeavouring to exploit the inherent structural integrity of string on behalf of the construction industry, while British Telecom’s IT labs are confidently predicting the nationwide roll-out of string-optic broadband technology by 2020.”

“We have moved far beyond mere String Theory,” added Mr Willetts proudly. “All over the world, Britain will become a byword for String Application.”