Radiation Now Known To Cause Orgasms, Warn Scientists

The latest research into the effects of radiation shows a clear link between small doses being introduced into the atmosphere and spontaneous multiple orgasms in humans on the other side of the world, according to a report published today.

“We have been monitoring Facebook, Twitter and YouTube carefully over the last couple of days,” explained project leader Dr Gary Clipboard. “And every time a small quantity of radioactive isotopes is released into the atmosphere, it’s almost immediately followed by frenzied moans of delight as people halfway across the world are worked into a lather, resulting in copious emissions all over the screen.”

Unfortunately, swallowing this is no help at all

Dr Clipboard’s observations have led him to believe that exposure to radioactive transmissions seems to affect only certain types of people, however.

“The loudest shrieks seem to come from those who left school at 16 but are convinced they know more than you,” he noted. “It seems that even the merest mention of the word ‘radiation’ acts on the most suggestible area of the brain – in these cases, that’s the part which handles everything but remembering to breathe. This leads to rapid overstimulation of the imagination, and the victim is suddenly racked with intense feelings of smugness, loses all self-control and almost immediately starts squirting juicy comments all over the place.”

The only prescribed treatment known to work in such cases, unfortunately, is to pre-administer several doses of a difficult substance which scientists call ‘education’.

“I regret to say that there is no hope whatsoever for these poor unfortunates,” concluded Dr Clipboard sadly. “We’ve tried to administer simple diagrams but, like the more complicated articles we tried initially, they just seem to pass straight through without being absorbed at all. Racked by the throes of their tragic degeneration, victims experience an unquenchable thirst for video posted by their fellow sufferers. Finally there’s an insufferable outburst of uncontrollable gloating, and I’m afraid it’s all over the internet.”

The resulting ignorance has a half-life measured in decades, he warned.

Meanwhile, fears are now growing that the unplanned bursts may soon contaminate those who did pay attention at school, but have tragically since lost the ability to remember that atoms do not violently split themselves.