After an unexpectedly long wait, scientists have finally declared that chocolate may well be bad for you - although, unusually, they also say it might be good for you.
Joyless researchers from the University of San Diego - of course - found that people who eat chocolate on a regular basis (known to medical science as 'women') tend to have more depressive tendencies than those who can take it or leave it (otherwise known as 'men').
"It could be that chocolate is a major cause of depression, turning normal people into horrible whiny emo dorks," said chocolate-smeared project leader Dr Natalie Rose. "It's equally plausible, though, that naturally miserable bastards have discovered that chocolate actually acts as a mood elevator to relieve the crushing sense of futility that is, essentially, modern life. We haven't a fucking clue right now. Give us another research grant and we'll get on it. A few million dollars should provide a definitive answer, for sure. Just make the check out to K-Mart."
A spokesman for the Department of Health told reporters, mostly from the Daily Mail: "Well, there you have it. Chocolate is the leading cause of death in Britain today. With your help, we'll have it reclassified as a Class A drug by Friday."
He was then felled by a swift kick in the gonads by a chocolate-smeared spokeswoman for the Department of Health, who immediately slapped a D-notice on the story and threatened anybody who published a word of it with two to ten years in prison - er - look, just forget you read this, OK?
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