9 Out Of 10 Parents Think Coco Pops Are Some Kind Of Food

A chilling survey published today by the British Heart Foundation shows that nine out of ten breeders are such gullible fucktards that simply carving the words 'Nutritional Information' into a kilo of lard would convince them that it was a perfectly safe substance to cram into the faces of their children morning, noon and night.

"Regrettably, it seems you can print anything - or indeed nothing - after the inscription, 'Nutritional Information'," observed a despairing BHF boffin with a proper qualification. "Most parents in Britain are so pitifully dense that they couldn't tell a vitamin from a saturated fat if you hit them repeatedly in the face with a huge, grunting porker - or, for that matter, one of their own globular spawn, which is much the same thing these days."

Other magic words which instantly disengage any remaining brain cells from ringing alarm bells on sugary cholesterol in a packet include 'wholegrain', 'enriched', 'calcium' and 'unleaded'.

"I'm afraid it's got to the stage where parents would happily tip the entire contents of a 500g box of salt into their child's gaping gullet, as long as the packaging reassured them that it contained 'no added salt'," the spokesman went on sadly. "As a rational scientist I'm not a religious man - but in the face of such staggering idiocy, Christ on a bike is all I can think of."

A grinning, fork-tailed minor demon from the Kellogg's Circle of Hell refuted the scientists' claims by pointing out that one tiny Coco Pops Cereal And Milk Bar "actually contains less than two teaspoons of sugar per bar" - prompting millions of Pavlov-conditioned parents to rush out immediately to buy a multipack of the sickly-sweet crap sticks for their bloated brood.

"While you're down Lidl's, don't forget to grab a couple of sacks of raw cane sugar," it roared, with a maniacal cackle. "Mixed into a bucket of Coca-Cola, it like rilly helps your litto man or princess to develop a healthy brain muscle, or whatever."

"And remember, mums - raw cane sugar contains no added colouring, salt or monosodium glutamate," added the diabolical thing, "Which means it's like rilly, rilly good for your litto darlin's girth - oops, I mean growth."