Most parents are unable to tell their children the difference between an arse and an elbow, according to a poll published today.
Other scientific questions that leave parents scratching their genitals include "Where do babies come from?", "What makes a rainbow?" and "Well, is there anything you do know?"
More than half of the parents said they felt their children knew more about science than they did, largely because the image-obsessed self-absorption of their spawn compels them daily to absorb scientific terms like 'targeted dermahydration' and 'digestobogus uprectum' from infomercials for cosmetics and slimming products.
"When I was a little girl, the science of narcissism was in its infancy," admitted Ug, a mother of three. "When they stopped saying 'She isn't, she is, she's wearing Harmony hairspray' and suddenly started banging on about something called Ceramide R, I thought they were talking about motorbikes or something."
"And as for AHA complexes, I thought that meant you fancied Morten Harket," she added, as she knapped a new flint for her husband's spear. "I used to have a poster of him on the wall of my cave. He had a nice elbow."
Her reverie was interrupted by the arrival of her eight-year-old daughter from school.
"How does Botox work?" demanded little Harriet-Jo, stamping on the bone-strewn stones at her feet. "I want it. Now. Book me an appointment, peasant."
Meanwhile, researchers are trying to determine whether there is any correlation between parents who display more scientific knowledge than a blowfly and those who are old enough to have taken O-levels.
"I'm afraid it might take a while to work this out from the data available," apologised a spokesman for the Department for Business, Innovation and Skills. "Does anybody understand formulas in Excel?"
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