Tate & Lyle Nominated For Nobel Prize

The pharmacist will see you now

Shortly after the General Pharmaceutical Council’s dismissal of charges against a pharmacy chain which sells sugar to idiots who think that vaccines are all a big plot to kill them, the Nobel Committee announced that Tate & Lyle were now the front-runners for this year’s outstanding contribution to medicine.

A spokesman for Ainsworths, the chemists who recommend homeopathy for malaria prevention, leapt up from behind the counter wearing a huge, terrifying mask, shook his juju bag until a corner of a sugar lump fell out and screamed, “That’ll be 25 quid mate.”

“Look, it’s pyramid shaped too,” he added as he pranced about, shaking a large twig topped with an Action Man head. “That’s the best immunisation that money can buy.”

Tracey Brown - the director of Sense About Science, which brought the charges - told reporters: “Oh, for fuck’s sake,” before emigrating in search of a country where at least one person in authority has more intelligence than a whelk.