As trained vets methodically gun down yet more cute farmyard animals - this time at a petting farm near Exmouth - Britain's leading mad scientist, Doc Emmett Brown, has issued a stark warning to parents worried about the outbreak of E.Coli 0157.
"Animals are walking disease factories," he shrieked with authority. "Nothing less than a worldwide cull of all animal life will save your child from a potentially lethal dose of the squits."
"Animals are full of shit," added the white-haired expert, "And believe me, I know what I'm talking about."
He then grabbed a hammer, jumped into his customised deLorean and sped off into the distant past, leaving nothing but a pair of flaming tyre tracks to mark his desperate mission to save the human race from occasional attacks of the screaming shits by preventing life from ever evolving on Earth.
Not all microbiologists are as uncompromisingly radical as Doc Brown, however. Some argue that the petting of fish should still be allowed, as long as they are swimming in water containing at least a 75% concentration of Domestos. Others say that animal petting is perfectly safe, if the animals are covered in at least two inches of disinfectant gel at all times and children under five are made to wear space-suits.
Worried animal-loving parents, however, are faced with an agonising decision - whether to request a lethal injection for their faithful, docile pets or their awful, screaming brats.
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