Idiots with degrees in journalism are sure that the long-awaited discovery of the legendary planet where Chewbacca came from will soon be within our grasp, following today’s sensational announcement that brainy telescope men have managed to track down Luke Skywalker’s insignificant desert homeworld, Tatooine, in a galaxy far, far away.
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| The holy grail of science |
“Given the fluctuating electromagnetic and gravitic conditions which pertain to binary star systems, Kepler-16b is most likely to be a lifeless gas giant like Saturn in our own solar system,” top NASA telescope bloke Randy von Braun told a clamorous press conference. “And before you ask: no, it can’t support an intergalactic civilisation of little green man. There’s nothing solid to stand on because it’s just GAS, for fuck’s sake.”
Von Braun also insisted that the chance of finding Luke Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobe or the droids we are looking for there was so remote that it could, for all practical purposes, be discounted entirely. However, leading theoreticians in the field of media studies say there can be no doubt whatsoever that, since these beings lived so long, long ago, Tatooine’s present gaseous state must surely be the terrible aftermath of vengeful Death Star activity.
Speaking for Earth’s millions of faithful Jedi Knights, they went on to urge the brainy space people to devote every telescope to the urgent search for the mysterious Wookiee planet before these magnificent - but tragically rare - beasts are driven into extinction.
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