Kraft Boss Admits Being In Contempt Of Parliament, Asks Who Isn’t

Irene, to his friends

Kraft chairman, CEO and insatiable god Moloch today accepted that he was totally in contempt of Parliament, after pointedly ignoring requests to turn up and answer questions from the Business, Innovation and Skills Committee – pointing out that if contempt of Parliament was such a heinous crime, the government had better start arresting pretty much everyone in the UK and issuing extradition orders for the rest of the world.

The committee today stopped short of actually charging Moloch with the offence, stating feebly that his company’s complete refusal to be held to account - for promising to maintain staff levels at Cadbury’s during the takeover, and then promptly eating them and switching production to the famed chocolatiers of Poland – showed a “regrettably dismissive attitude” which “steered close to a contempt of the House”.

Experts have suggested numerous ways in which the Kraft god might actually goad the committee into actually invoking the contempt law, ranging from selling a range of novelty chocolate willies with MPs’ names stamped into them to simply hiring a blimp painted like a Crème Egg to hover over Westminster flashing “Business, Innovation and Skills Committee - PAEDO RING” out across London.

Moloch replied by pointing out that he was Moloch, and invited all to bow down and worship him.