Ofsted To Teach Heads Real Meaning Of Stress By Arming Pupils With AK47s, Rocket Launchers, Explosives

The head of schools inspectorate Ofsted has scoffed at teachers’ claims that their jobs are stressful - reminding them that his granddad spent four years down a hole in France with the Imperial German Army lobbing 50,000 shells a day at him, yet woke up screaming just once a week for the rest of his life.

In the old days, Sir Michael would have had the blighters shot

“Our brave lads in Afghanistan can tell these whining civilian blackboard-wallahs a thing or two about stress, dammit,” roared General Sir Michael Wilshaw, as he infiltrated a school playground in Wolverhampton.

“Right-o, chaps, gather round and I’ll put you in the picture,” he explained crisply. “Miss Chalmers, the flat-chested head of humanities, has been sent to patrol the Low Hill estate in her Fiesta, with ‘Dorky’ Dawson the art assistant riding shotgun. They’re in your homeland, and they’ve got no bally business there. What are you chaps going to do about that, eh?”

As hordes of latchkey kids enthusiastically looted Sir Michael’s arms dump, the outspoken chief of school inspectors insisted that the impending massacre would “toughen these gutless teacher johnnies up, put some bloody backbone into them and make them jolly proud to be in the front line and serving their country, what?”