Doctors Don’t Know Jack Shit About Anything, Boardroom Wallahs Tell Delighted Government

The average NHS doctor is a drooling idiot who can’t diagnose his arse from his elbow, let alone chronic suffering from chronic laziness, say the management wonks whom the Department For No Work And No Pensions commissioned to tell them what they wanted to hear.

Trust me, I'm a manager

David Frost, the director general of the British Chambers of Commerce (not the former satirist and co-founder of TV-am) and Dame Carol Black - who may actually have practised medicine at some early point in her career, before her breakthrough discovery of comfy chairs in the boardroom – have reported to an ecstatic DWP that the diagnosis of long-term health conditions is far too important to be entrusted to slack-jawed general practitioners and should be performed instead by an appointed panel of doctors who can’t be arsed with practising medicine any more.

“Hello, good evening and welcome. Unlike GPs - whose so-called ‘patients’ are almost certainly splitting their ill-gotten benefits 50/50 with them, I dare say - an independent panel on a lucrative government contract will of course be completely and utterly impartial,” droned Mr Frost, whose vast knowledge of Powerpoint and minutes of previous meetings uniquely qualifies him to weigh up complex medical factors. “Just like Atos Medical, in fact, who richly deserve the completely and utterly impartial bonuses they get for depriving the sick and disabled of their benefits. And, of course, it will be through its absolute independence that the panel will meet the government’s arbitrary target of telling 20% of the disabled to fuck off down the dole office and start looking for jobs they can do perfectly well whilst crying their eyes out in pain and misery.”

Dame Carol, concurring, then moved an extraordinary motion of remunerative gratitude to herself and Mr Frost, which was unanimously carried by themselves.