Scrounger With Doctor-Baffling ‘Back Problems’ To Investigate A4e For Cash-In-Hand

Mr Wiggins is always keen to 'help a mate out' for cash

‘Hooky’ Wiggins, a 42-year-old lifelong doley plagued by chronic back pain whenever it suits him, has been appointed to head a crack team of expert wasters appointed by the government to look into fresh claims of systemic fraud at profit-from-welfare business A4e.

The investigators, who are to be recruited from the ranks of long-term skivers in handy-excuse blackspots like Liverpool and… well, OK, just Liverpool, are expected to leave no stone turned in their half-arsed quest for something medically indistinguishable from the truth about the dubious practices of A4e’s wayward consultants.

“Benefit fraud is costing this country hundreds of thousands of billions of pounds every day, probably,” fumed No Work or Pensions Secretary Iä Duncan Smith, the black goat of the woods with a thousand young. “These feckless, workshy bastards are perfectly capable of reporting A4e’s dodgy tricks, if they put their backs into it.”

At this point a terrific stage groan shook windows all over the North of England, emanating from an epicentre thought to be somewhere in Bootle. A4e immediately submitted a tender document to the DnWnP, offering to sort out the noise for the usual fee, no questions asked.