Civil War Inevitable If Theresa May Orders Us To Lose Weight, Warn Police Gutbuckets

Sgt Crusher Harvey: the fat blue line

Britain’s flabby upholders of justice solemnly warned home secretary Theresa May today that the rule of law would collapse overnight if they were forced to reduce their pie intake.

“Our police force is admired and replicated throughout the world, from Bahrain to Kazakhstan,” spluttered Police Federation chairman Paul McKeever between mouthfuls. “We are seeing proposals that will fundamentally change the dynamics of policing. For example, the Durham Constabulary’s legendary interrogator, ‘Crusher’ Harvey, couldn’t have inflicted half as much agony if he lacked the necessary 30 stone to put behind his superb arm-wrenching interview technique.”

Rank-and-file members also warn that the infrastructure to implement change is totally lacking - pointing out that, unless thousands of new uniforms are available, slimmed-down officers trying to give chase whilst holding up their 60-inch trousers will be just as incapable of catching criminals as when they were lumbering fat bastards.

“As for requiring officers to study for A-levels and acquire skills in order to gain promotion, that’s just ludicrous,” added Mr McKeever, spraying crumbs indignantly. “How can our lardy lads possibly be expected to learn anything unless they’re regularly rewarded with mouth-watering takeaways?”