LibDems Make Soothing Baby Noises At Students

Don't wee all over Mr Clegg, now

As protests continue today over proposals to hike tuition fees, there are signs that senior LibDem members of the coalition government are making efforts to patronise students. Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg leaned over this morning, put a finger to his lips and made amusing burbling noises, while business secretary Vince Cable made a sad face and offered them a sweet.

“I don’t like that man with the scary big forehead,” NUS president Aaron Porter told reporters, “He told me one or two students from really poor families might have slightly smaller debts than everyone else, but that’s no help to me and my friends.”

“And the baldy man thinks I’m going to gurgle with delight because he said he might not vote for his own silly idea,” he scowled. “Well, I wasn’t born yesterday. I’m 2, and I’ve got a badge that says so. The Lib Dems must think we’re stupid.”

A Lib Dem spokesman later asked why, if students weren’t stupid, they had believed that voting Liberal Democrat in May’s election would change anything.

“Besides, we’ve had a look at the A-level curriculum they all got A* grades in,” he added with a grin. “I ran it by my dog. He doesn’t even realise his tail is attached to him until he sinks his teeth into it, and he got Bs.”